I figured out how to take the
magnetic strips out of the books you buy at Barnes and Noble. You know, the ones they use to tell if you’ve been
shoplifting. So I took the strips out, right there in the store, and I ate them. Did you know it takes about 40
before you’ll set off an alarm? But I suppose that depends on body size. Maybe metabolism. At any
rate, after I’d eaten all of those magnetic strips, when I walked through the door I’d set the alarm off.
Every time. Of course, the first few times, they’d check me out. Well, it was always half-ass at best, but
they still would check me out. It got to be a joke. They’d say it must be something in my clothes, and I
would say it was probably something I’d eaten. They thought that was funny, and of course, I did too. But
for different reasons. And then, once they got to know me, they’d just wave me on through. They never bothered
to check...anymore, ever. And that’s when I started stealing books. I’d steal one about once a week,
sometimes more. I’ve even been known to take two at a time. I’ve been doing it now for over three
years. It doesn’t matter what kind of book you steal. That’s not the point. You see, the thing
is, they don’t even watch for shoplifters because they’re so sure their magnetic strips will work. Besides,
who shoplifts books? I still have to eat them...you know, the magnetic strips. It’s just to keep the level
up. But now I don’t have to do it in the store. I can wait until I get back home.