Good evening. I’m from the First
United Church of Satan the Redeemer. And may I ask you... do you know where you’re going to be spending
all eternity? You may say you do, and you may say yours is right... but is it? Now let
me ask you... do you want to spend all eternity, from now and forever, with people who are singing hymns, or rock and roll?
Do you want to spend it in chruch, or at a party? Do you want to play a harp, or would you rather
jam on an elctric guitar? Would you rather eat meatloaf or filet mignon?
Hell is not what you think. We don’t
care. And isn’t that what you really want out of eternity? Somebody who just doesn’t
care what you do? Somebody who accepts you just for what you are? Somebody who
understands that sex is really a good thing. I mean, really... have you found better? And
you want to spend forever without it? Now let me ask you this, my friend, which would be Heaven and which
would be Hell?
You can rest assured that you will
never have to ask Satan for forgiveness. There is no pennance because there is no sin. How
can anything be a sin that was ultimately created by a god who intended for you to sin? And why would a
benevolent god do that?
Satan will never ask you
to fast. Satan will never tell you that suffering is good. Satan will never tell you
that hitting yourself on the head with a board is worthy of anything except a headache. And why would anybody
want you to have a headache?
And Satan will never,
not once, ever, ask you to sing his praise. Why would he? Because that, my friend, is
the difference. If you ever see a god who is all about himself, then you have chosen the wrong god.
But here’s the deal: It’s yours to choose. And whatever choice you
make, Satan is going to respect that choice. If you want to go to heaven, you can go to heaven.
If you want to be reincarnated, so be it. Whatever you want, you can have. That’s
not the same offer you’re going to get from the other side, but we respect that too. Just remember,
if you fall short, you’re still OK.