The Holy Grail Press
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Word of the Every So Often
squaloid: (adj.) A dogfish belongs to the genus squalus, which is a member of the shark family. So something that is squaloid is dogfish-like, or, more generally, shark-like. Many used car salesmen, for instance, are squaloid.
Everyday History
On October 19, 1900, at a meeting of the German Physical Society, Max Planck delivered his paper entitled “On an Improvement of Wein’s Equation for the Spectrum,” which was met with much acclaim. You see, there’s a problem with the spectrum. Namely, what happens to the radiated light that we can’t see? Or, as far that goes, what’s really happening with the radiated energy that we can see? It’s what’s known as blackbody radiation, more or less. Something I’m sure everybody wonders about. It was the paper in October that led to his much more exciting paper in December, “On the Theory of the Law of the Energy Distribution in the the Normal Spectrum.” That was back when they really knew how to come up with a catchy title.
It seemed to Planck and his buddies that if something was heated continuously, like turning your oven on to 350°, then it should continuously radiate that energy. Only it doesn’t do that, which was a poser. So Planck got this idea, see, that maybe energy wasn’t given off continuously. Maybe it was given off in packets... you know... quanta. Yup, quantum physics. The December paper introduced quantum physics to the world and fundamentally changed the way we see everything. Well, at least the way smart scientist-types see the world. And it earned Planck the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1918.
The key principle behind quantum physics is that really small things get really weird. Seriously. That’s probably all you need to know to get an Associates Degree in Quantum Physics. On a quantum level (physics-speak for really small stuff) time doesn’t have to go forward... or anywhere. Stuff can pass through walls. One thing can be in two places at the same time. A cat in a box doesn’t complain about being in a box. And Mary Ann Joblonski really will go out with me. Thing is, there are only about five guys in the entire world that truly understand quantum physics, and Mary Ann isn’t one of them. So if you just act like you know what you’re talking about, nobody’s going to know the difference. Unless it’s one of those five guys, then quickly change the subject.
Cartoon of the Week
The OK Samaritan
Stuff
History of the Future: Gluten-Free Gluten
On March 20, 2028, Franz Josef Von Spekelburgenstein was awarded a patent for Gluten-Free Gluten, a substance that he marketed under the trade name “Taste Again.” Said Von Spekelburgenstein, “It’s a gluten-free gluten that allows you to eat everything with gluten in it, but still be smug about it.”
Less than a year later, on February 7, 2029, Gluten-Free Gluten-Free was introduced for those “who wanted to be sure.” Sold primarily in health food stores under various trade names, it was said to neutralize any of the reported side-effects from Gluten-Free Gluten that might’ve inadvertently been introduced into your food.
This was soon followed by Freer Gluten-Free Gluten, Freer Than Free Gluten-Free Gluten, and Free the Gluten Five.
However, by the end of the fourth quarter in 2032, it was reported that every company that had been marketing gluten and gluten-free additives had gone out of business. As well, demand for all gluten-free substances had all but disappeared. Said one consumer, “It’s not that we still don’t care. We just got confused.”
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