The Holy Grail Press
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Word of the Every So Often
breeks: (singular noun, but, really, only if your Scottish) britches in Scotland. Aye, laddie, pull your breeks up and we’ll be goin’.
The Daily Lesson
On August 20, 1897, Sir Ronald Ross discovered that female mosquitos carry malaria, which he did by finding the malaria parasite in the gut of a mosquito he was dissecting. Being able to dissect a mosquito is impressive in its own right.
The word “malaria” comes from the Italian “mal aria,” bad air. For thousands of years it was believed that malaria was caused by bad air coming off of swamps, rotting matter, and teenagers’ bedrooms. The only way to prevent it was to move. Once Ross discovered truly what it was and how it spread, it became possible to create a vaccine. More than that, Ross’ mathematical models for tracing diseases became the basis of modern infection control. In short, Ross saved a lot of lives, but he didn’t stop malaria, or mosquitos.
Mosquitos are nasty. Really nasty. Indeed, they are the most deadly animal on earth, even worse than humans, though we really are trying our best. Mosquitos kill over one million people a year. Aside from malaria, they cause Yellow Fever and Dengue Disease. Then there’s stuff like West Nile Virus that causes your brain to swell, and Lymphatic Filariasis, that causes elephantiasis, where everything swells... painfully. Let’s not forget Chikungunya, which causes crippling joint pain, and the Zika Virus that causes birth defects.
But why stop there? Mosquitos can be so dense in places like the Caymen Islands that they’ve been known to kill cattle by suffocating them. The swarm is so thick the cows can’t breathe. Now that would be an unpleasant way to die. And speaking of animals, mosquitos can infect dogs with Heart Worm, and horses with Equine Encephalitis.
Brazil has the highly coveted honour of having the largest mosquito population, with Indonesia coming in second, and India third. All of them warm, moist countries. Nigeria has the most fatalities of mosquito borne diseases, with the Democratic Republic of the Congo second. Both are poor countries with lacking healthcare, and neither are recommended for travel for any number of reasons. In both countries dying from mosquitos is probably well down on the list of things that will kill you. In the US, no matter what they say about places like Minnesota, the city with the worst mosquito problem is Los Angeles. But if you want to get away from mosquitos completely, then go to Antarctica. Of course, you may freeze to death, but it won’t be with mosquitos buzzing in your ear.
So what do we do about mosquitos? Completely eradicating mosquitos, if that were even possible, would probably not be a good idea. It would greatly disrupt the food chain that could ripple throughout the earth. Mosquitos are also pollinators, and we are increasingly in short supply of those. Without pollinators we are truly screwed. You can try to get rid of their breeding grounds – stagnant water – by draining swamps and such, or creating even a slight current, which mosquitos don’t like. You can also use stuff like nets around your bed at night. And good old fashioned Deet. Mosquitos are drawn to human breath. You can try not breathing. If that doesn’t work, you can cover the scent with stuff like lemon eucalyptus, citronella, mint and peppermint. Even coffee and cinnamon. Mosquitos also do not like moving air, so turn a fan on at night, or whenever. As well, mosquitos are not fond of dark colours. So if you’re one of those people who always wear black, then expect mosquitos. Finally, you can encourage other critters that eat mosquitos to hang out around your house. The most effective adult mosquito control is bats. When mosquitos are still larvae they are a favourite among mosquitofish (like that’s a shocker), frogs, and dragonfly larvae.
It has long been believed that Purple Martins were highly effective against mosquitos. People would (and still do) put up bird “apartment houses,” intricate structures that allow multiple birds to nest near one another, in the hopes that it will take care of the mosquitos. Take the town of Griggsville, Illinois, which claims to be the Purple Martin capital of the Nation. The town is filled with tall poles with multiple dwelling birdhouses, including one that’s 70 feet tall, and has 562 “apartments.” They have murals that claim Purple Martins eat 2,000 mosquitos a day. Anywhere in the Midwest you’re likely to see Purple Martin condos. My neighbors had one in their backyard back in Missouri. Truly, you can find them just about anywhere.
The only problem is that Purple Martins really don’t eat mosquitos. At best, the annoying bug makes up 3% of their diet. Purple Martins do eat bugs they catch in the air, but they generally feed higher up, upwards to 300 feet. They also hunt during the day. Mosquitos, on the other hand, are mostly active at night, and they stay relatively close to the ground. The irony is that Purple Martins are especially fond of dragonflies, which are particularly fond of mosquitos. So attracting Purple Martins can actually increase the population of mosquitos around your home. Isn’t it amazing what things you can learn when you actually look them up?
Cartoon of the Week

Another Day, Still No Zombies
Stuff
Dreaming of Heaven
The nun stood in front
of the boys’ Sunday morning
sixth grade CCD class,
as big and black and unmovable
as any mountain there ever was,
and from somewhere behind
all of those black clothes
she dreamt out loud
about heaven,
while Billy Balinski,
with his mind out the window,
tried to figure out what the heck
CCD stood for.
One of the C’s had to be Catholic,
but durned if he could get the other two.
“And in heaven the wine
flows from fountains like water…”
Billy’s uncle had given him wine once.
Billy still remembered
running to the bathroom
to spit it out
while his uncle laughed like a lunatic
Billy had seen once in a movie.
“…and in heaven the streets
are cobbled with gold…”
Billy couldn’t ride his bicycle on the street
in front of his grandmother’s house
because it was cobbled.
But if it must be cobbled,
why not chocolate?
At least you could eat chocolate.
“…and only good little boys and girls
get to go to heaven…”
Billy wondered if anyone
would be able to hear
Judy Jefferson screaming
from inside the cinder block box
where the janitors burned their trash
on the playground,
or if anyone would see
Billy running away.
Billy knew that he was slowly strangling,
but he dared not fool with his collar
unless he wanted his necktie to fall off again.
Jesus hung over the blackboard
looking down on the nun
with sad, swollen eyes;
the blood on his hands
still looked fresh.
Billy couldn’t help but imagine
that Jesus would rather be someplace else.

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