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Word of the Every So Often

rattoon: (noun, with one or two t’s) a new shoot that grows out of a plant after the plant has been cut back, such as with sugar cane. The rats were chewing on the rattoons.

The Almost Daily

There’s a lot going on today. We’ll start with tonight’s full moon, which is the Snow Moon, because, well... there’s a good chance if you’re on this part of the globe there’s also snow on the ground. If not, just go with it.

Today is also the Sunday before the Superbowl (go Seahawks!) and that means it’s time for the Ice Bowl, the world-wide day where everybody gets out and plays disc golf, regardless of the weather. Their motto: “No wimps. No whiners.” This date was originally chosen so nobody could have the excuse of having to stay home to watch their football team in the playoffs. Since those early days the “official corridor” has opened up, now including the entire winter – December 21 to March 19. Comon, guys. You seem to have missed the point. Well, they can play whenever they want, but I’m still playing today. But then, I pretty much play every Sunday.

Portland Pete

Moving on, today, more or less, is the Wiccan holiday of Imbloc, for those of you who are so inclined. It also Ground Hog's Day Eve. And if that's not enough, it's National Serpent Day, a day where we're supposed to enjoy all things snake. These three holidays might seem a bit discordant, but they’re not. Very few of us actually celebrate Ground Hog’s Day Eve, but here at the Press we’re spreading the word. According to tradition, beer and shots of whiskey are left out for the prognosticating Sciuridae. If he hasn’t drunk them by 4:00 p.m., then it falls on all of us to drink them for him. Regardless, make sure you have plenty of liquor on hand, because if he does show up, he doesn’t like drinking alone. I mean, who does? Then tomorrow, on Ground Hog’s Day proper, with a pretty bad hangover, the Ground Hog will tell the world if there is any hope that this endless winter will ever end. This is something that people, including the Wiccans, have been doing since at least Neolithic times, looking to the behaviour of animals – be it bears, badgers, groundhogs, or snakes – to try and predict the end of winter. And that is the main reason why today, in particular, is also National Serpent Day. So if you do see a serpent today, you just might have to share some more of your booze.

Cartoon of the Week

Vito, serving out his time in Limbo as a bird perched in a tree, came to know the true meaning of "limboid."

limboid: (adj.) having the likeness or similarity to Limbo; a state of uncertainty; a very obscure word.

STUFF

Cosmic Rats: The debate continues

by Earl Eldridge

Ever since Dr. Ivan Tupidsay announced the existence of Cosmic Rats in 1992, debate has raged throughout the scientific community over the reality of this alleged phenomenon.

After an exhaustive 17 year survey of the Cosmos, Dr. Tupidsay was able to conclude, much to the shock of astronomers and astrophysicists worldwide, that there is no Cosmic Cheese (Astronomy Today, April 1992). As his argument follows, it would take Cosmic Mice far too long to devour a hunk of Cosmic Cheese. The Cosmic Cheese, though, has clearly been eaten, which explains why none can be found. Therefore, there must be Cosmic Rats, since no other creature would possess such an affinity for Cosmic Cheese. Cosmic Rats, estimated at being perhaps several light years long, are obviously very adept at hiding.

Professor Giuseppe Asabuncha, of the Bologna Institute of Technology in Bologna, Italy, has recently announced that Dr. Tupidsay’s research was, at best, horribly flawed. “His survey was by no means exhaustive. He only mapped small sections of the Universe…and then extrapolated the rest. Even those sections he investigated were not representative of the Universe as a whole,” said Professor Asabuncha. (Cosmos Quarterly, January 1995)

Still not satisfied, Professor Asabuncha has begun an independently funded search for Cosmic Cheese, which he is confident will once and for all prove the fallacy of Dr. Tupidsay’s Cosmic Rat Theory.

Proponents of the Cosmic Rat Theory are quick to point out, however, that even if Cosmic Cheese is discovered it will only strengthen Dr. Tupidsay’s original conclusion. “It is only logical,” Dr. Tupidsay wrote in the Cosmic Mind (Holy Grail Press, 1995), “that since there are Cosmic Rats there must, therefore, be a cosmic food source.”

Recently, Messerschmidt and Baum of Southern Cal have proposed a Cosmic Cat Theory to explain why they have been unable to find any Cosmic Rats. (Cosmos Quarterly, February 1995)

“Absolutely ridiculous!” was the response of Dr. Tupidsay. “It is most obviously an attempt to find a simple explanation for a complex cosmic phenomenon by manufacturing the solution out of pure fiction.” (Cosmic Mind)

Mr. Eldridge is an associate professor of Astronomy at the University of Milan. Other articles by Mr. Eldridge have appeared in Cosmos Quarterly, Astronomy Today, and more recently Astrophysicists Digest. He is currently finishing his doctoral thesis Stars, Planets, and Stuff Like That.

Just in time for Groundhog's Day! It's...

sex slaves from venus

and other poems

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