The Holy Grail Press
Proudly Made On Earth By Earthlings

Word of the Every So Often​
heliciculture: (noun) (pronounced: he-lee-see-cul-ture) snail farming. Yup, heliciculturists raise snails for food, cosmetics, and medicine, and have been doing so for over 2,000 years.
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The Almost Daily
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It’s Wombat Day! If you’ve never seen a wombat, seriously, where have you been? Stop what you’re doing and look one up right now. Yeah. That’s a wombat. Sure, they don’t live around here. You pretty much have to be in Australia to see one, but that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate them, no matter where they are.
There are three species of wombat in the family Vombatidae, the Bare-Nosed (or common) Wombat, and the Southern and Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombats. The Northern is critically endangered, but the others are doing just fine, thank you.
They are nocturnal marsupials, which means they have a pouch and come out at night. (Insert your own joke here.) Unlike other marsupials, though, their pouches face backwards to keep the baby wombats (all of which are named Joey) from getting sprayed with dirt while mama digs.
Wombats are about a yard long (slightly shorter using the metric system), and can weigh up to 70 pounds. They may look cute and cuddly, but they’re not. They have sharp claws they use for digging up people’s lawns, and shredding people who try to hug them. They can run up to 25 mph, which is faster than you can. So don’t piss them off.
So here’s to everyone’s third, maybe fourth favourite marsupial, the loveable wombat.
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Cartoon of the Week

"Be one of us. Be one of us."
STUFF
Bury My Bones
There are certain days
when one does not want to dig graves.
They’re cold, and wet, and gray,
when inside is just a better place to stay.
But there are certain bodies
that just will not wait
for better weather,
bodies with no names
and no relations
to make the final claims.
Down at the county morgue
Ed knew the body had been too long stored,
and there was no hope of the weather
ever becoming better.
And since no one was ever going to put flowers on his plot,
who would ever know if this poor stiff were buried or not?
So laid out on the slab,
Ed commenced to split
that poor unclaimed body into parts
small enough to fit inside
those plastic bags for the trash.
And when dragged up to the curb,
Ed went up to take his bath.
It could have been a tree in the wind slapping
that made the soft rapping
that sat Ed straight up in his bed.
He couldn’t be sure.
It could have been footsteps
crossing the downstairs floor…
And it could have been the wind,
but then, Ed heard it again,
this time loud and clear,
calling out from the bottom of the stairs
with a voice that was more a moan,
“Ed! Ed! Bury my bones.”
No! No! It couldn’t be!
Ed didn’t believe in such things.
It was indigestion
or a hallucination –
all part of a bad dream,
that would explain…
But the footsteps started up the stairs,
and Ed felt the hairs
on the back of his neck begin to rise,
as he heard once again that moan:
“Ed! Ed! Bury my bones.”
Closer, closer to his door,
Ed heard the footsteps cross the floor.
Again and again he heard that moan:
“Ed! Ed! Bury my bones!”
There are certain things
that science cannot explain:
pyramids and tombs
and mummified remains –
And that half-dug grave in the county plot,
where was found the mutilated remains of some poor sot,
and Ed,
both half-buried in the mud,
and both very, very dead.
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COMING EVENTUALLY
from Brooklyn Publishers
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The League of People with Superpowers Who Fight Crime and do Other Stuff
a short comedy by Michael Soetaert
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Sniffles the Clown has a diabolical plot to envelope the entire city with laughing gas. They’ll all laugh now, by golly! They’ll have no choice. And while they’re laughing, he’ll steal all their stuff. The only thing that can stop him is The League of People with Superpowers who Fight Crime and Do Other Stuff... except not one of them actually has any superpowers. Come see who has the last laugh.

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