Tuesday, September 28, 2021
9:58 am pdt
Thought for the Time Being
Anybody who says anything is more important than money already has money.
Monday, September 27, 2021
8:47 am pdt
versus Porky the Pig
Monday, September 20, 2021
9:09 am pdt
Autumn are the days
of the crow,
at the dead things
in the road.
with the contagious cough
of old funeral ladies
who crackle the
that hide behind the stones.
broken bones bare,
they rise like black shrouds
tangled in the air.
And then they fade.
Wednesday, September 15, 2021
8:55 am pdt
Tuesday, September 14, 2021
8:23 am pdt
of the Future: The Eensie Weensie Spider
April 7, 2117
In a unanimous decision,
the Supreme Court ruled for the plaintiff in Lars Gundersenn v Everybody. Lars’ great-great-great-great-great
grandfather, “Spydyr” Gundersenn, had written a promotional song for his extermination business in the early 20th
century. The Justices agreed that Spydyr’s ditty was the inspiration for the classic children’s song “The
Eensie Weensie Spider.” They further ruled that “The Eensie Weensie Spider” was the inspiration behind
the phrase “Surfing the web.”
As Spydyr’s only surviving heir, the Court ruled that Lars was therefore
entitled to all profits made from the term “Surfing the web,” which meant that he was entitled to all profits
ever made on the Internet, which, they concluded, was everything.
April 8, 2117
Everybody v Lars Gundersenn, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that owning everything was the same as owning nothing, which
was exactly what Lars was entitled to. They did, however, allow Lars to keep his trousers.
Friday, September 10, 2021
1:40 pm pdt
Origasmi: The Ancient Art of folding paper into
12:25 pm pdt
Why There are
No Stupid Animals
Tuesday, September 7, 2021
9:02 am pdt
An Open Letter from the Honorable Leonard K. Bullfinch
My Fellow Americans,
Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch, am proud to announce that I have been chosen as the honorary spokesman for the NRA – the
National Rattlesnake Association.
Americans, we are all blessed with certain inalienable rights. We have the right to say what we darn well
want when we darn well want to say it. We have the right to worship wherever and whatever we so please,
be it Baptist or Methodist. And we have the right to defend ourselves from those who would want to take
these rights, these freedoms, away from us.
And there is no better way to defend ourselves
than by owning and carrying live rattlesnakes. Therefore, I urge all Americans to become a member of the
National Rattlesnake Association.
As a member of the
National Rattlesnake Association, we believe that every citizen has the right to protect himself and his family, be that threat
real or imaginary. We further believe that there is no better way to protect yourself than with a live
rattlesnake. After all, what could be more American than a rattlesnake? And a rattlesnake
is more effective than a handgun, in that it doesn’t need to be aimed, it won’t show up on a metal detector, and
should you ever be incapacitated or caught unawares, it will act on its own. As well, it never needs to
be reloaded. Think of the money you will save every year on bullets alone. And then
there is the peace of mind that a price cannot be placed upon.
Just the thought that you may be carrying a concealed rattlesnake should make any would be villain
think twice. And should someone want to break into your home, knowing that there could be a rattlesnake
coiled behind your home entertainment center would make any burglar wish he’d gone to trade school instead.
Indeed, that burglar would have no idea where that snake might be hiding. And let me tell you, any
rapist is going to think twice before exposing any of his more delicate body parts, not knowing just where that snake might
be. That sort of peace of mind is something that every man owes his wife and his family.
There are those who counter that rattlesnakes are inherently dangerous,
especially if you have children or pets living in the home. To them I say, “Poo.”
First of all, a rattlesnake is all the pet you will ever need. And children can be taught not to
play with it, just as they can be taught not to play with handguns. And if you line a playpen with Plexiglas,
why, there’s no way that snake is going to get in there. As an added bonus, you will no longer have
to worry about rodents and other vermin in your house.
Therefore, I urge every God fearing American to join the National Rattlesnake Association.
Your membership includes:
· Your very own live rattlesnake, guaranteed to be at least three feet long, which will be delivered
inside of your home absolutely free of charge.
You will also receive an official decal you can place in
the rear window of your car or on the front door of your home to let would be thieves know they’d better think twice
before they go after your stereo.
And you will get our semi-monthly newsletter, “Recoil,”
that will keep you updated on current legislation, local rattlesnake clubs, and other information vital to being an informed
As well, you will receive discounts from our catalogue on
such items as National Rattlesnake Association apparel and NRA snake bite kits.
· And if you order by Veterans Day, you will receive your very own NRA snake tongs, suitable for handling
rattlesnakes up to four feet long, or flipping burgers on your grill.
Joining is easy. Just send 59.95, plus 38.50 for
shipping, in care of Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch at the Holy Grail Press. Sorry, cash only.
And before you know it, you will have your very own rattlesnake curled up somewhere in your home, protecting you and
your loved ones from all the evil in the world.
Thank you, and may God bless you and
all true Americans.
Thursday, September 2, 2021
8:42 am pdt
The United States of America has been observing the Labor Day holiday on the first Monday of September
since 1882. According to the United States Department of Labor, an agency of our very own government, Labor Day
“is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers.”
may be just a country boy who went to a small country school, but I know that people who are “dedicated to …social
achievements” are nothing more than socialists. And anybody who has studied communism at all, knows that
the only thing those godless pinkos are concerned with is the “worker.” Let me ask you this: Where
would the worker be without people to create those jobs they work at? Nowhere, that’s where.
any way you look at it, Labor Day is a “holiday” devoted to socialism, and where you have a socialist, communists
can’t be far behind. And there is nothing more that the communists would like to see than our great country
fall in ruins. This cannot be allowed.
Our country was not made great by people staying home
and sleeping in. We did not create our unparalleled nation by our workers going on picnics and having barbecues…
and getting paid just the same as if they were at work. It was made through work, hard work. And if
we want to keep our nation great, then we can’t stop working, not even for a day. And we certainly can’t
be asking for the job creators to be giving us money when we’ve done nothing to earn it. No wonder productivity
has fallen in this once great nation of ours.
Therefore, I propose that the Labor Day holiday truly become a labor day. It
will be a day where everybody is required to go to work and not get paid for it. Imagine how
much more money the job creators would have to create jobs if everybody in the country worked for free just one day of the
year… or two… or more. Why, if nobody ever got paid at all, just imagine how much more productive
our great nation would be!
So this year on Labor Day, I am asking all Americans to go the work just
the same. And if they give you extra money, or any money at all, you need to give it back. And if they
won’t take it, then you can send it to me. It’s the American thing to do.
Leonard K. Bullfinch (at-large)