"Doing Absolutely Nothing Since 1982."
The Holy Grail Press is dedicated to promoting work that standard publishers... you know, those with standards, might be reluctant
to publish, which pretty much leaves poetry. And let's face it: No one publishes poetry. So in the end,
we’re left with a lot of free time.
Word of the Every So
April 19, 2021
jinte: (noun) a portion of meat which contains a bone, as divided
by a butcher. I hope you're hungry! We've been cooking the jinte all day.
...What's Old at the Press
Friday, April 16, 2021
11:04 am pdt
It can often be very difficult to pinpoint the origin of a word or a phrase. For
instance, who said, “Groovy!” for the first time? What deprived mind conceived such a combination
of letters? Sure, you can trace its use back in documents, but that can take you only so far.
You may find that its first recorded use was in episode 62 of “Gilligan’s Island” (or not), but that
doesn’t tell you that a writer for that show created the term, although I wouldn’t doubt if one did.
The word could’ve been in use in limited circles for years before then.
When trying to decide on the origin of the term 4:20, it’s even
harder. Those in the best position to know probably can’t remember. 4:20, for
those of you who don’t know or can’t remember, has come to represent the entire marijuana smoking, weed toking,
pot ingesting, and cannabis molesting sub-culture. Just as every good beer drinker dutifully recognizes
beer-thirty, every die-hard stoner recognizes bong-twenty. 4:20 – the time of the afternoon to get
high, or higher. And thus, the twentieth of April, the twentieth day of the fourth month, 4/20, has become
the most sacred of all days for every red-eyed, munchie-craving stoner everywhere, who will all be happy to show you how they
put the high in high holy days.
But why 4:20?
Why not 2:15? 9:37? Noon? All the above?
When trying to figure something such as where the term 4:20 originated,
perhaps one of the best places to start is by eliminating the possibilities. One rumor of where the term
comes from is that there are 420 chemicals in pot. Not true, says Americans for Safe Access, a marijuana
advocacy group. According to them there are “...483 different identifiable chemical constituents
known to exist in cannabis.” (Medical Marijuana) And then they go on to list them,
but you’ll just have to take my word on that.
Another possibility was that 420 was the police code... somewhere... for weed addicts.
“We’ve got a 420 in Progress at the Disc Golf Course.” Never mind that that’s
redundant. There’s one way to find out if that’s true. In the terms of modern
parlance, google it! I simply put in: “Is 420 a police code?”
It’s a well asked question, according to Google. And the answer I found at an entire site
devoted to squashing rumors was, “No.” There are no police departments in the country that
use 420 as a code for a couple of brothers passing a spliff. (Mikkelson)
On the other hand, Senate Bill 420, which became law in California in 2003 made it legal to use medicinal
marijuana. (Senate Bill) However, the term 420 was around long before 2003.
And I know that because while searching for the police codes, I stumbled across a site where somebody else had already
done the work for me. Aside from having found what they claimed was the right answer, they also debunked
many others that I hadn’t even thought of, such as that the 20th of April is the best time to plant marijuana
(as if a weed needs a best time!), or that when the Grateful Dead toured they always stayed in room 420. (Mikkelson)
Wow. Some people have really put a lot of effort in this.
According to a quasi-reliable source, 420 is believed to have come into existence in 1971 at San
Rafael High School in San Rafael, California. There were these twelve dudes, you see, and they all got
into the habit of getting high every day at pretty much the same time after school... by the statue... at 4:20.
And that became their code. You’re sitting in second hour algebra... or is it French... hard
to tell, you can’t speak it... and your buddy nods and says, “420.” Enough said.
And from there, quite naturally, it spread. (Mikkelson) All the cool stuff starts
But is that true?
I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust Ms. Mikkelson, or Ms. Witmer, or Mr. Grimm, or any of the other numerous
sources on the Internet that all confirm Mikkelson’s story. But it’s just what my mama always
told me: Trust, but verify. So I did. I looked it up on Wikipedia.
And, by golly, there is a San Rafael High School. And the High School has a statue of Louis Pasteur
on its campus... the same statue where those darned stoners used to hang out each day at 4:20. And get
this! Louis Pasteur has nothing to do with marijuana! And if that’s not
enough, it’s a high school. And, really, if it’s on Wikipedia, then you know
it must be true.
Grimm, Ryan. “What 420 Means: The True Story Behind Stoners' Favorite
Number.” 25 May 2011. The Huffington Post. 19 Apr. 2012.
Marijuana.” 7 Dec. 2006. Pro/Con.org. 19 Apr. 2012.
“Claim: The Term ‘420’ entered drug parlance as a term signifying the time to
light up a joint.” 13 June 2008. Snopes.com. 19 Apr.
High School.” 2 Dec. 2011. Wikipedia. 19 Apr. 2012.
“Senate Bill: SB 420 Chaptered Bill Text.” 12 Oct.
2003. California State Government. 19 Apr. 2012. http://info.sen.ca.gov/pub/03-04/bill/sen/sb_0401-0450/sb_420_bill_20031012_chaptered.html
Witmer, Denise. “What Does ‘420’ Mean?” 2012.
About.com: Teens. 19 Apr. 2012. http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/marijuana/a/420meaning.htm
Wednesday, April 14, 2021
8:42 am pdt
when life's journey is done,
that getting there
was half the fun.
Monday, April 12, 2021
1:37 pm pdt
Do good headhunters
go to heaven
If they've lived a good headhunter's life?
If they've said their headhunter prayers,
good headhunter husbands and wives?
If they've never hunted heads out of season,
and always did their headhunting-est
do good headhunters go to heaven
when good headhunters are laid to rest?
And at night do they
sit and wonder,
instead of going to their headhunter beds,
if good white people go to heaven
never hunted a head?
"Do Good Headhunters Go to Heaven?" was originally published in Suttertown News in the their
March 10-17, 1988, edition.
Friday, April 9, 2021
9:15 am pdt
of the Future: The Brooklyn Project
Documents that were finally declassified in 2214, revealed that in 1996
the United States’ Government began working on a doomsday device. Cloaked in secrecy, the operation was known
simply as "The Brooklyn Project." Led by Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, the goal was to create a device that would instantly
kill all of America’s enemies with the touch of a button. As well, there would be no nasty fallout, no lingering
residual effects from nasty chemicals or biological agents, and the infrastructure would be unharmed. All of America’s
enemies would be instantly vapourized by the push of a button. A daunting task, to say the least, but one the United
States was convinced it must undertake. After all, if they could imagine such a thing as being possible, then so could
their enemies. And if their enemies could imagine it, then, out of sheer prudence, the United States had no choice but
to assume that their enemies were already working on such a thing. It was further understood that once such a device
were created, it had to be used immediately. After all, if the United States could figure it out, then it is safe to
assume that their enemies couldn’t be too far behind, and that once their enemies had it, then they wouldn’t hesitate
to use it, either.
It was in the summer of 2009 that Dr. Ivan Tupidsay made what he called his “great
breakthrough.” Based on the knowledge that everybody has a distinct electrical current, Dr. Tupidsay speculated
that it would be possible to scan everybody on the planet and record their specific electromagnetic frequency. Once
that was known, then by bouncing an electrical pulse of some sort off of the atmosphere, it would be possible to “shut
off” everybody who was programmed into the weapon within one to the negative twelfth of a second of each other, which
was considered to be within an acceptable tolerance.
In the summer of 2011, the United States, under the guise
of weather satellites, put into orbit several scanners that were capable of recording the electro-magnetic signatures of everybody
on the planet. The initial scan was complete by the Spring of 2013, after which it was relatively simple to continuously
monitor the world’s population and up-date the files that were kept in a super-computer deep inside the Cascade Mountains
at a still undisclosed site, believed to be somewhere near Mitchell, Oregon.
It was on October 14, 2014, that
the system went completely online, with the computer containing all of the world’s population’s electrical signatures
linked to a series of photon-dispersement cannons, most of which were mounted on nuclear submarines positioned around the
world. How these particular “cannons” actually worked is still classified. Once the system came on
line, Dr. Tupidsay, acting on Presidential Order 666, unceremoniously pushed the button and was instantly vapourized.
No other deaths were recorded. According to government records, the “experiment” was tried at least two
more times, with the exact same results. Following the third attempt, the weapon was deemed a colossal failure, and
no other attempt was ever made to create such a device.
Tuesday, April 6, 2021
11:59 am pdt
10:31 am pdt
I knew this guy Bob
whose life really sucked.
He got laid off
from his job
pressing out plastic shampoo bottles
that looked like poodles.
Mindy Sue, this incredibly ugly chick
that Bob used to say he dated
only because he felt sorry for her,
left him for this other dude
who was even uglier and scrawnier than Bob.
Bob's car broke down on the expressway,
and before he ever had a chance
to figure out just what was wrong with it,
it got towed away
to some lot behind an old gas station
they actually expected Bob to pay
before he could get it back out.
he really had anything to pay with.
Even if he did
he'd have to give
it to his landlord first,
who didn't have much patience to begin with
no sense of humor at all.
I'm not kidding.
Bob's life totally
And since he could see no hope
that it would ever get better,
Bob decided to chuck it all
and drown himself in the toilet.
And he would've, too,
had not this really incredible thing happened.
Just when he was returning from the alley
with a couple of old cement blocks
and a piece of clothesline
that he'd found tangled in the fence,
this really mangy cat showed up
with a winning lottery ticket in its mouth.
We're not talkin' just a whole lot of money here,
but five bucks was enough
for Bob to think twice.
So instead of ending it all,
Bob went out and got a hamburger
that he shared with the cat.
And after the cat
had licked all the grease
from its paws and
it went back out,
and when it came back it had another lottery
Only this time
we are talkin' a lot of money -
fifteen thousand dollars.
Bob may have been suicidal,
he wasn't stupid.
He saw a goldmine in that cat.
Every day the cat
brought him something:
Cash, stocks, bonds, gem stones;
and all he had
to do was feed it.
Needless to say,
Bob's life got better.
He got a new car,
a new house,
and this really hot lookin' babe name Bambi
who rarely wore
any appropriate undergarments.
One day while Bambi was at the house
checkin' out all the channels
that Bob got on his satellite dish
the remote control by the hot tub,
she happened to ask
just how it was
that Bob could afford all the stuff,
stuff like a solid gold potato peeler
a fur-lined pool table.
And Bob felt really stupid
about the cat,
so he made up this really involved story
about a rich
uncle from Akron
who'd been run over by a bus.
When he got done
Bambi told him how sorry she was,
well - about his uncle and all.
And the cat,
the cat got up and left.
And he never came back.
Well, Bob may not have been too stupid
when it came to keeping the cat,
but he couldn't manage money worth a hoot,
and within two months
the collection company had collected everything -
the brass goldfish,
the marble toothbrush,
even Bambi -
and loaded it onto their
They let Bambi ride up front.
Bob didn't even have a toilet
that he could drown himself in.
But everything worked out all right,
‘cause it was just about then
plastic factory called Bob back.
Well, it was the third shift,
was better than nothin'.
Bob even managed to get an apartment
the basement of a house
just two blocks from where he worked,
didn't even need a car.
just thinkin' about it all,
I suppose there's a moral here somewhere,
but I'll be darned if I can figure out
just what it might be.
Friday, April 2, 2021
9:16 am pdt
of the Future: Walt Hoedecker Retires from Major League Baseball
14, 2046: Barely two weeks into the new season, 24 year old baseball phenom Walt Hoedecker announced his retirement.
This would’ve been Walt’s second season as a major leaguer. In the 2045 season, Walt, playing second base,
committed an unprecedented 256 errors. However, in what one teammate called, “Damn weird,” every error that
Walt made resulted directly in an out, usually by ricocheting off of his head and into another fielder’s glove.
Walt also set major league records in being hit by a pitch (both season and career, 312), and, consequently, the most times
being replaced by a pinch runner (64). Every time Walt came to the plate he was beaned. As well, Walt holds records
in reaching base on consecutive appearances (312), on base percentage (1.00), and most times on the disabled list (18).
Asked why, after only one year, he chose to retire, Hoedecker’s only comment was, “Dear God! Do you think
I’m doing this on purpose?”