The History of the Future:  The Eradication of Marijuana

November 30th, 2098

 

Marijuana is declared to be extinct,  completely eradicated from the face of the earth, less than two years after it was declared universally legal by every nation on the planet.  Said Günter Umpwhurst, of the World Toking Federation, “Wow.  I guess nobody thought not to smoke it all.”

 

Inauguration Day

"The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January... and the terms of their successors shall begin."  (20th Amendment of the Constitution, ratified January 23, 1933)

"Before he enter on the execution of his office, he shall take the following oath or affirmation: -- 'I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of the President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.'"  (Article II, Section One of the Constitution)

'Tis a privilege to live in a democracy.

Sneaker Wave 

 

Vaccinations:  The Truth Can Be Told

After studying the facts, there is no other conclusion than vaccinations are, indeed, a government conspiracy.  The government is forcing everybody to be vaccinated so we will not die.  They don’t want us to die so we can keep paying taxes.  The more we pay in taxes, the more they can raise their salaries.  And that’s the same reason why they make us wear seatbelts and motorcycle helmets.  It’s why they have laws against drunk driving and illicit drugs.  It’s why they want everybody to quit smoking, especially in public.  It’s the same reason that they’re suddenly so concerned with the environment.  It’s why there are a Food and Drug Administration, the Occupational Health and Safety Administration, and many of those other agencies that are all telling us what we can and cannot do.  It’s all so we can pay more and more taxes.

But we have a choice!  We don’t have to listen to the government!  There are all sorts of nasty diseases we can catch.  And once we have them, it is our duty to spread them to everybody possible.  We can ignore traffic signals and step out in front of a bus.  We can ignore “Wrong Way!  Do Not Enter!” signs.  That’s just more of the government telling us what to do so we can stay alive.  Don’t wear seatbelts.  Don’t wear a helmet.  And especially don’t wear seatbelts or a helmet after drinking!  If you don’t smoke, then you should start, and if you do... are you really smoking as much as you can?  You can smoke a cigarette in ten minutes.  That’s six an hour.  You could go through four packs a day easily.  All it takes is determination.  And not only are you killing yourself, but think of all the others you could be taking with you.  Trust me:  They’ll thank you.  Because nobody likes paying taxes.  Let’s see them tax a corpse!  And even if they can, when you’re the corpse, that will no longer be your problem.  It’s time we all took a stand against the government and died!

 

Tagging

It was on December 4^th, 2022, that Seattle shop owner Felix MacGoogan, tired of the nightly “tagging” of his business’s outer walls by rival street gangs,  just left cans of spray paint outside for them to use.  Said MacGoogan, “What’s the point of even trying?  I paint over their graffiti in the morning so they can put graffiti over my paint at night.  Besides, what do I care what colour it’s painted?  Paint is paint.  And this way, I don’t have to do it anymore.”

 

Soon neighboring businesses joined MacGoogan and left paint out as well.  Shortly thereafter, the entire city stopped trying.  Seeing shop owners set out paint cans at closing became a common sight during the winter of 2023.  It wasn’t long, though, before the gangs couldn’t tell their graffiti from even their own.  Said one gang member, “It never really made much sense, anyway, but this is ridiculous.”  The only way they found to stake out their territory was to completely paint the businesses in solid colours with tastefully coordinating trim.  The practice quickly spread, and before long every gang in the city spent their evenings painting local businesses. 

 

Said a former shop owner, “You never knew what colour the shop was going to be each morning.  Sometimes it would be red, sometimes blue.  You never knew.  But they always cleaned up after themselves.”  Indeed, it became a sign of power to have the best looking blocks.  Soon roving bands of youth were brazenly planting shrubberies along the sidewalks.  The sound of a weed eater was common at night.

 

In the spring of 2024 officials from other cities began arriving, trying to recruit Seattle’s gangs to come to their towns and wreck all the havoc they wished.  Chicago and Indianapolis had limited success, but it never quite caught on. 

 

Then, just as suddenly as it began, it stopped.  Said one gang member, “Hell, that’s work.”  It wasn’t long afterwards that the city fell into disrepair.  Having gotten used to not having to do any maintenance on their property, nobody did.  Pleas were made to the city gangs, who had all moved to the suburbs and bought homes of their own.  Perhaps DJ Weeder, the head of the Toro gang summed it up best, “Man, nobody wants to hang out in the city.  That place is a dump.  Besides, who’s got time?  I’ve got a yard to mow.”

The Tought of Day:

If you were a professional criminal, you could be both a pro and a con. 

Elvis Presley’s Birthday

Elvis was born on January 8, 1935, making him 86 years old in 2021.  There are many who believe the King died on August 16, 1977.  However, consider this:  Elvis, Lives, and Levis are anagrams.  Need I say more?

 

 

Work Cited

 

Lorna, Editor.  “Celebrity Icons Wearing Denim Throughout History.”  DenimBlog.  DenimBlog (13 Nov. 2012): n. pag.  Web.  11 Jan. 2016.  http://www.denimblog.com/2012/11/celebrity-icons-wearing-denim-throughout-history/