Thursday, January 28, 2021
8:54 am pst
Groundhog’s Day appears to have roots in old European traditions, though they used
badgers and bears. Those traditions, in turn, probably go all the way back to the Neolithic period in Ireland,
when the date, Imbloc, had special significance because it fell between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox.
As a consequence, pretty much everybody to ever come out of Ireland has found some reason to celebrate something on
this day. The Gaelic dudes, the Celts, the Pagans, and the Christians all whooped it up or continue to
whoop it up on or about the second. Not even the Wiccans are left out. The second of
February represents one of their eight holidays.
first specific mention of celebrating Groundhog’s Day in America – with a groundhog on February 2 – was
from a diary entry in 1841 Pennsylvania. The reference, though, was to an older German custom, which is
pretty much the entire custom as we know it – a medium-sized, furry animal emerges from its burrow on Candlemas Day
(which is the second), and if it doesn’t see its shadow, then there are six more weeks of winter. Candlemas,
by the way, is the day that commemorates when Mary was certified clean after giving birth to Jesus, as was required by Jewish
Though many communities (including
those in Portugal, Germany, Serbia, and the UK) celebrate Groundhog’s Day
in their own, unique ways, Punxsutawney Phil, from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, is undoubtedly the most famous Groundhog of
them all. 2021 will be his 131 appearance, which is a pretty nifty trick for a rodent whose lifespan, at
best, is only about 14 years. Supposedly, Phil’s longevity is attributed to sipping “Groundhog
Elixir” every summer, which magically extends his life for another seven years. The heck with his
predictions; I want some of that elixir.
best, the prognosticating rodent seems to be correct about 40% of the time…if that. On a “will-or-won’t”
proposition, you could get better odds flipping a coin. Groundhogs, by the way, are the largest member
of the squirrel family... if anybody asks. And if anybody asks, Phil saw his shadow in 2021, so we'll have another six
weeks of winter, putting the first day of spring on or about March 20...where it always is.
2009. New Advent. 29 Dec. 2011. http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/03245b.htm
“Groundhog Day.” 29 Dec. 2011. Wikipedia. 29
Dec. 2011. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groundhog_Day
Groundhog Day – February 2: Punxsutawney Phil. 29 Dec. 2011. http://www.gojp.com/groundhog/
“Groundhog Day History.” 2011. Groundhog Day: The
Official Site of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club. 29 Dec. 2011. http://www.groundhog.org/groundhog-day/history/
“Imbloc.” 5 Dec. 2011. Wikipedia.
29 Dec. 2011. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imbolc
“Punxsutawney Phil.” 7 Nov. 2011. Wikipedia. 29
Dec. 2011. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punxsutawney_Phil
Tuesday, January 26, 2021
9:13 am pst
Why I Hate My Job: Interview #111: Professional Game Show Contestant
Me? I’m a professional game show contestant.
I mean, I’m not really a contestant. I’m just one of the people in the audience.
I don’t work for any show in particular. I work for an agency, really. They
call if there’s a game show that doesn’t have a full audience. When the camera scans the audience,
they want to show a packed house – like people actually care for “Who’s the Lunatic” or “What
Price Your Soul.” It’s pretty steady work if you’re willing to dress like an onion.
Really, it’s not that hard, especially since they never
zoom in on the audience, unless, of course, you happen to be standing next to somebody’s brother-in-law. The
trick is to act like it actually matters. Like somebody is really going to get to take home $12,000 and
Thing is, though, I can never be an actual
contestant. Ever. That’s part of the contract. It’s like sitting on the bench and knowing that
no matter what the score, no matter who gets injured, you’re never getting called into the game. But I do get
to be on TV. I’ve appeared in 1,293 game shows. Not very many people can say that, you know. It’s
steady work for an actor, and you don’t really even have to act at all.
Friday, January 22, 2021
9:15 am pst
of the Future: The Eradication of Marijuana
November 30th, 2098
Marijuana is declared to be extinct, completely eradicated from
the face of the earth, less than two years after it was declared universally legal by every nation on the planet. Said
Günter Umpwhurst, of the World Toking Federation, “Wow. I guess nobody thought not to smoke it all.”
Wednesday, January 20, 2021
8:09 am pst
terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January... and the terms of their successors
shall begin." (20th Amendment of the Constitution, ratified January 23, 1933)
"Before he enter on the execution of his office, he shall take the following oath or affirmation:
-- 'I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of the President of the United States, and will
to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.'" (Article II, Section
One of the Constitution)
'Tis a privilege to live in a democracy.
Sunday, January 17, 2021
12:12 pm pst
Thursday, January 14, 2021
9:07 am pst
Vaccinations: The Truth Can Be
After studying the facts, there is no other conclusion than vaccinations are, indeed, a government
conspiracy. The government is forcing everybody to be vaccinated so we will not die. They don’t want us
to die so we can keep paying taxes. The more we pay in taxes, the more they can raise their salaries. And that’s
the same reason why they make us wear seatbelts and motorcycle helmets. It’s why they have laws against drunk
driving and illicit drugs. It’s why they want everybody to quit smoking, especially in public. It’s
the same reason that they’re suddenly so concerned with the environment. It’s why there are a Food and Drug
Administration, the Occupational Health and Safety Administration, and many of those other agencies that are all telling us
what we can and cannot do. It’s all so we can pay more and more taxes.
But we have a choice!
We don’t have to listen to the government! There are all sorts of nasty diseases we can catch. And once
we have them, it is our duty to spread them to everybody possible. We can ignore traffic signals and step out in front
of a bus. We can ignore “Wrong Way! Do Not Enter!” signs. That’s just more of the government
telling us what to do so we can stay alive. Don’t wear seatbelts. Don’t wear a helmet. And especially
don’t wear seatbelts or a helmet after drinking! If you don’t smoke, then you should start, and if you do...
are you really smoking as much as you can? You can smoke a cigarette in ten minutes. That’s six an hour.
You could go through four packs a day easily. All it takes is determination. And not only are you killing yourself,
but think of all the others you could be taking with you. Trust me: They’ll thank you. Because nobody
likes paying taxes. Let’s see them tax a corpse! And even if they can, when you’re the corpse, that
will no longer be your problem. It’s time we all took a stand against the government and died!
Monday, January 11, 2021
9:00 am pst
It was on December 4th, 2022, that Seattle shop owner Felix MacGoogan, tired of the nightly
“tagging” of his business’s outer walls by rival street gangs, just left cans of spray
paint outside for them to use. Said MacGoogan, “What’s the point of even trying?
I paint over their graffiti in the morning so they can put graffiti over my paint at night. Besides,
what do I care what colour it’s painted? Paint is paint. And this way, I don’t
have to do it anymore.”
businesses joined MacGoogan and left paint out as well. Shortly thereafter, the entire city stopped trying.
Seeing shop owners set out paint cans at closing became a common sight during the winter of 2023. It
wasn’t long, though, before the gangs couldn’t tell their graffiti from even their own. Said
one gang member, “It never really made much sense, anyway, but this is ridiculous.” The only
way they found to stake out their territory was to completely paint the businesses in solid colours with tastefully coordinating
trim. The practice quickly spread, and before long every gang in the city spent their evenings painting
a former shop owner, “You never knew what colour the shop was going to be each morning. Sometimes
it would be red, sometimes blue. You never knew. But they always cleaned up after themselves.”
Indeed, it became a sign of power to have the best looking blocks. Soon roving bands of youth were
brazenly planting shrubberies along the sidewalks. The sound of a weed eater was common at night.
In the spring of 2024 officials from other cities began arriving, trying
to recruit Seattle’s gangs to come to their towns and wreck all the havoc they wished. Chicago and
Indianapolis had limited success, but it never quite caught on.
Then, just as suddenly as it began, it stopped. Said one gang member, “Hell, that’s
work.” It wasn’t long afterwards that the city fell into disrepair. Having gotten used to not having
to do any maintenance on their property, nobody did. Pleas were made to the city gangs, who had all moved to the suburbs
and bought homes of their own. Perhaps DJ Weeder, the head of the Toro gang summed it up best, “Man, nobody wants
to hang out in the city. That place is a dump. Besides, who’s got time? I’ve got a yard to mow.”
Wednesday, January 6, 2021
9:35 am pst
The Tought of Day:
If you were a professional criminal, you could be both a pro and a con.
Monday, January 4, 2021
8:45 am pst
Elvis was born on January 8, 1935, making him 86 years old in 2021.
There are many who believe the King died on August 16, 1977. However, consider this:
Elvis, Lives, and Levis are anagrams. Need I say more?
Lorna, Editor. “Celebrity Icons Wearing Denim Throughout History.”
DenimBlog. DenimBlog (13 Nov. 2012): n. pag. Web. 11
Jan. 2016. http://www.denimblog.com/2012/11/celebrity-icons-wearing-denim-throughout-history/