Wednesday, October 30, 2013
8:11 am pdt
Smoking Spinach and Rusty
by Dr. Ivan Tupidsay
Since the late 1990s, there have been over 3000 reported cases of individuals smoking spinach in the United States, a phenomenon
that was unheard of before that time except in the isolated region of the Okefenokee Swamp in northeast Florida. The
demographic of those who smoke this leafy vegetable is predominately between the ages of 19 to 28, white, from the suburbs,
and named “Doug.” When interviewed, many of the users of this recreational plant state that it does not
get them high, nor does it particularly cause any sensation whatsoever other than some reported cases of nausea, blurred vision,
and the tendency to stain one’s teeth green. Stated one individual, “Yeah, you know, what else are you going
to do with spinach?”
Recently, however, researchers at the University of Milan have discovered a link between smoking spinach and rusty stomach,
a condition in which iron deposits accumulate in the stomach and bowels. They postulate that when spinach is smoked,
it causes the iron levels to be concentrated in the stomach, where they are then passed from the body through the bowels.
Said botanical expert Giovanni Pizza, “Smoking spinach is relatively harmless, aside from the irritation to the lungs
from any smoke.” There has, though, been several reports of sewer lines that have rusted through. Though
there is not a clear correlation between rusted sewer lines and smoking spinach, said one official, “Why else would
they rust through? They’re plastic lines.”
Whereas smoking spinach remains legal
in every state except Utah, officials are still concerned that it may spread, causing unknown health consequences, as well
as endangering the smooth operation of our sewer systems. For now, says medical expert Duckworth Hollingsway, the best
action anybody can take is to stop naming people “Doug.”
Thursday, October 3, 2013
12:10 pm pdt
Eye of the Needle
Everybody who ever met Justin Hayes all agreed on
one thing: Justin was a really nice guy. In fact, to a person, they all agreed that Justin was the nicest guy
they had ever met.
And then one day as
Justin was heading home after volunteering at the orphanage, he swerved to miss a kitten that was in the road, and he crashed
into a utility pole and was killed. It happens. Understandably, all of his friends were distraught.
To honour the memory of Justin, all of his Christian
friends put a cross at the site of the accident. Upon seeing the cross, all of his Jewish friends could not possibly
believe that somebody who was that genuinely nice could possibly be a Christian. So they took down the cross and they
put up a Star of David.
after, all of his Muslim friends, upon seeing the Star of David, took it down and replaced it with a Crescent. For certainly
nobody as kind as Justin could possibly be a Jew. And not long after that, all of Justin’s atheist friends took
down the Crescent, and, of course, they left nothing, believing that nobody who was as kind and intelligent as Justin could
possibly believe in any of that nonsense.
wasn’t long before all of Justin’s friends were lying in ambush for each other, having sworn to avenge the memory
of Justin upon anybody who would dare profane the site of his passing.
Meanwhile, Justin stood in Judgment before the Heavenly Host. And after studying the Record of All
That He Had Ever Done or Should Have Done, the bells rang, the angels sang, and the gates were opened wide.
Justin went inside where he found absolutely nobody
else. Not a soul. “Certainly there must be more to come?” Justin asked. To which the Heavenly
Host said, “No. For that is the nature of infinity. All that ever will be has already been.”
And then he left Justin to revel in the lush green
valleys, the streets paved in gold, and the rivers that flowed of milk and honey, all of that stretching further than the
eye could see. And there Justin sat, with his back against the gate, wondering... wondering if it were too late