Wednesday, June 26, 2013
5:58 pm pdt
Our Lady of the Americas
taught science and math and a few other things. No one was really certain what went on in her room, except maybe Christen.
I’m certain, though, that she taught religion. Before the school year had started all the teachers met for a combination
prayer breakfast and teachers’ meeting. The prayer part of the breakfast was Christen reading from the Bible while
the rest of us silently counted the breakfast part of the meeting; there were thirteen of us and only twelve donuts.
Aside from losing her place twice and mispronouncing “Ephesians,” she did alright. More...
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
11:03 am pdt
Here at HGP we've added two new works, The Secret Society of Spies,
which is a collection of Michael Soetaert's poems illustrated by Donna Stevens,
and the illustrated version
of the touching children's story Buddy Badger.
Check ‘em out!
Monday, June 24, 2013
4:48 pm pdt
The History of the Future:
The Collected Literary Works of Jerry Jerkensen
June 24th, 2442: After having been lost for over 400 years, the collected works
of poet and essayist Jerry Jerkensen were discovered on the Internet by a very bored 14 year old in Akron. Jerry intentionally
lost his collected literary works on the Internet before his death in 2019, because he believed his work was not appreciated
by his contemporaries, and could only truly be appreciated with the perspective of time. Those few acamedians that managed
to read through enough to fake the rest, believed that Jerkensen’s lack of appreciation had less to do with perspective,
and was mostly due to the fact that he just sucked. However, giving Jerkensen the benefit of doubt, they intentionally
lost his life’s work once again on the Internet.
June 24th, 2842: Nope.
It still sucks.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
4:38 pm pdt
An Open Letter from the Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch
My Fellow Americans,
The American public is becoming polarized over the topic of gay marriages. Even though
the belief in the sanctity of marriage is at the core of my being, I cannot currently support a Constitutional Amendment that
will define marriage. The current proposed amendment doesn’t go far enough. Instead, I would like to introduce
the Sanctity of Marriage Amendment. This amendment would not only make it unlawful for gays to wed, but it would also
outlaw divorce. After all, if heterosexuals truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, then they should be opposed to
My Amendment would also outlaw
co-habitation unless both parties involved are married to each other, a marriage of a man and a woman. I realize that
this would be a hard law to enforce; therefore, I propose to make it illegal for anybody to live with anybody else unless
they are related. In certain states relatives may even be forbade from living with each other. The last thing
this country needs, well, maybe the second to the last, or perhaps the third, are two gay people openly living with each other
and saying that they are “roommates.”
Premarital sex, whether the couple is living together or not, erodes the sanctity of the marriage. And so does
extramarital sex. Therefore, my amendment would outlaw sex between anybody who is not married. Because homosexuals
will be forbidden to be married, that kind of sex will be outlawed, too.
And by marriage, we mean marriage in a church, with a preacher. And when that bride
walks down the aisle wearing white, everyone in the congregation will know that she’s not kidding.
Let’s stand up for what has made America great: The institution of the family
that is anchored in the sanctity of marriage. God bless America!
The Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch
Friday, June 7, 2013
12:40 pm pdt
A grail is simply a cup or
a bowl. The Holy Grail supposedly is the cup used by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper, and then, on the following day
was used by Joseph of Arimathea, who may or may not have been Jesus’ grand-uncle, (Gigot) to capture the blood and sweat
of Jesus as he died on the cross. Following Jesus’ crucifixion, as the legend goes, Joseph was sealed for many
years in a tomb much like the one Jesus was reportedly buried in. There he was kept alive by food and drink miraculously
provided by the cup. After finally escaping from the tomb, Joseph of Arimathea, along with his family, made their way
to England. Eventually, as the story goes, the Grail came to rest at the Castle Corbenic, where it was guarded
over by Joseph’s descendents –the Grail Kings. (King Arthur in Legend)
And there the Holy Grail remained, both it and the castle lost and forgotten until the legendary
King Arthur and his equally legendary Knights of the Round Table, in either the 5th or 6th Century,
were presented with the task of once again finding the Grail. (King Arthur)
And so began the Quest for the Holy Grail. Both
Perceval and Lancelot found the Castle Corbenic, but since Perceval didn’t ask for the Grail, it wasn’t offered,
and Lancelot, who did ask, wasn’t allowed to see it because he wasn’t pure at heart, which is what happens if
you have an affair with King Arthur’s wife, Guinevere. Galahad, the son of Lancelot, however, was finally allowed
into the Grail Chapel because he alone was pure of heart. Thus completing the Quest for the Holy Grail. (King
Arthur in Legend)
Finding the Grail made
Lancelot’s life complete, and he and the Grail reportedly both ascended into heaven. (King Arthur in Legend)
Or not. There are still those who continue the Quest for the Holy Grail.
The Quest for the Grail represents pursuing one’s dreams, even if those dreams are
seemingly impossible, such as a cat wanting to fly. It means never giving up and never accepting second best, or close enough. It is knowing that the Quest itself
is more important than what you may find at the end of that Quest. It is knowing that the Quest truly never ends.
Gigot, Francis. "Joseph of Arimathea."
1910. The Catholic Encyclopedia. 07 June 2013 http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/08520a.htm
Arthur.” The Camelot Project. 07 June. 2013. http://www.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/arthmenu.htm
“King Arthur in Legend: The Holy Grail.” 2011. Britannia. 07 June 2013.
10:21 am pdt
Why I Hate My Job
Interview #945: Rattlesnake Salesperson
I breed and sell rattlesnakes. Mostly diamondbacks, but
we got masagas and sidewinders, too. You’d be surprised who wants a rattlesnake. Petting zoos, politicians,
religious folk. We’re on the Internet, you know. www dot poisonous snake distribution and procurement center
of the greater southeast dot com. We sell them by the inch. Money back guarantee if they won’t rattle or
strike or otherwise put your life in danger. To this day we have yet to have a dissatisfied costumer. I can’t
speak for the snakes though. I suppose bein’ in a cage would have its advantages, what with regular meals and
all. It’s hard to ship a rattlesnake across the United Sates, you know. Do you know there are actually laws
prohibiting the retail sale of poisonous snakes in 17 states and the Unincorporated Territory of the United States Virgin
Islands? But that doesn’t stop us. We have distribution centers. It’s not illegal to cross state
lines with a rattlesnake if you purchased it legally in another jurisdiction. And here’s somethin’ I bet
you didn’t know: Every snake we sell is bred in captivity. And that’s a fact. Did you know it’s
technically against the law to use a wild snake in the course of any business? That there’s Federal. It’s
not hard to breed rattlesnakes, you know. It’s not like they need mood music or candlelight, but they don’t
seem to mind it, either. The only thing is, the female carries the eggs, so it’s not like they really lay eggs
at all. Why, on the big ones, it’s hard to tell they’re even expectin’. One day there are all
these baby snakes just everywhere. Those little ones... they really need to be in a glass cage. I learned that
the hard way. The thing about being in sales, you never know when someone might be interested in purchasing a rattlesnake.
That’s why I never go anywhere without my sample case. I just have a couple of the smaller ones, but they can
give you a good idea of what we offer. Well, whadaya know? I wonder where those two have got off to.