Wednesday, July 11, 2012
3:41 pm pdt
The Last Man Standing
So... assuming that Purgatory exists, then there’s
bound to be the last guy there, and it’s bound to be a guy. Here’s the logic: The same folks who believe
in Purgatory also believe in Judgment Day. So after Judgment Day, everybody is either in Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory.
And then people who are in Purgatory are eventually going to get out. So there’s bound to be one last guy.
And it’s bound to be a guy, because the same belief that says Purgatory and Judgment Day exist also believe that masturbation
is a sin, though not necessarily, by itself, a hell-worthy offense – an important distinction to make. So there’s
bound to be some guy who is racking up some serious time in Purgatory. Ask any guy; he’ll confirm it, though it
won’t be him. So anyway, there’s bound to be this one last guy in Purgatory... waiting. There he is,
sitting in an empty auditorium watching the clock slowly tick... tick... tick... for another 150 million years. How
many staff would they need for that one guy? I mean, could you really trust him to wait the whole 150 million years
by himself? “Yeah, when your time’s done, just close the door behind you. Come look me up. I’ll
be over by the pool.” And how would they decide who would have to stay and watch, and who would get to join the
party, already in progress? Or would everybody, in all fairness, have to wait to start the party... for that one last
guy? After all, it’s Heaven, and you really kinda expect things to be fair there, right? Now Hell’s
a different story, but as long as you make the 59.5 percent that they round up, brother, you’re in Purgatory.
Compared to eternal damnation, 150 million years sitting in an auditorium watching a clock is a walk in the park.