My Fellow Americans,
some of you may be aware, the United States is currently experiencing some degree of financial difficulties. Whereas
I’ve always believed that nothing is really as bad as it truly is, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe this
time it is. Therefore, I would like to offer this humble solution to our economic woes: Corporate
Sponsorship of States.
America would not be the great land that it is if not for capitalism. But
what is it that has made capitalism great? The corporations. Those great companies whose
gross yearly profits exceed that of many countries in the rest of the world, especially those countries that nobody wants
to visit anyway.
What I propose is that we tap those great corporations to help us out of these difficult financial
times that we find ourselves in. So I asked myself, “Senator, what does the United States have that
a giant corporation could possibly be interested in?” And then the answer came to me:
What I propose is Corporate Sponsorship of States. If a company is able to outbid
the other competitors, we will change the name of a state to their company or product’s name. Imagine
vacationing in Denver, McDonald’s. Lying out on the beach in Miami, Coca-Cola. Or
getting back to nature at Gulf Shores, British Petroleum.
Companies would pay well. Could you imagine
having your company headquarters in Lynchburg, Jack Daniels? Or seeing the Arch in St. Louis, Anheiser-Busch?
And if a company were to go out of business, which I’m told is possible, or if it were to fall out of favor (who,
after all, would want to vacation in Enron?), then the government could buy the name back at a much better price, most of
which they’ll probably owe us anyway, and change it back to Texas, or whatever. Then we can let the
bidding start over.
It’s a win-win situation. It wouldn’t cost much to change everything
that any given state name is printed on, and who really cares if they live in Rhode Island or Trojan? And
from there, we can move on to national landmarks, rivers, bays, and mountain ranges. The possibilities
are just about limitless. Anywhere there is a place name, there is profit waiting to be made.
Imagine The Bill Gates Space Needle, The Proctor and Gamble Grand Canyon, The Smith and Wesson Statue of Liberty, The
Phillip-Morris Volcano, or the Monsanto River.
For enough money, we could even change the names of our elected
officials. Trust me. The corporations are ready to pay. We would
be a fool to turn down hard cash for something as inconsequential as a name.
you, and God bless,
The Honorable Senator Leonard Kentucky Fried Chicken