Friday, April 10, 2009
6:57 am pdt
The Holy Grail Press wishes
to congratulate Dr. Ivan Tupidsay for receiving the Squashum Grant from the Raid, Corporation. The grant
will allow Dr. Tupidsay to research displaced ants. According to Dr. Tupidsay, these are ants that have
been geographically separated from their colony. Where these ants go has long puzzled entomologists.
It is postulated by some that they spend the rest of their lives trying, often in vain, to return to their colonies,
just as a deranged puppy might do. An opposing theory says that they attempt to join other colonies, where
they may or may not be accepted. While yet another theory speculates that they go off on their own, becoming
wandering nomads who move from one colony to another, staying but a little while before moving on.
Dr. Tupidsay plans on using the grant in part to develop miniaturized tracking collars. “And
then you have to sedate them,” says Dr. Tupidsay. “That’s the hard part.
It’s not so much the sedative as it is the shock of getting hit with the dart.”
here at HGP wish Dr. Tupidsay well in his studies, and encourage him to stay out in the field as long as necessary, even longer.
6:52 am pdt
Scientists discover the Muse
Gene. It is the gene that controls how creative you are. The doctors have just discovered
that your unborn child has this gene. Gene therapy is rather simple. It would simply
require the right enzymine to make the gene go away. Here’s the debate. If your
child is born with that gene, she will be a writer. She will be compelled to write. Of
course, she could end up writing the defining novel. On the other hand, she could go insane.
I mean, just start listing all the great writers who stuck their heads in the oven, both figuratively and literally.
What do you do?
And while we’re on hypothetical situations, let’s say they identify the gene for
homosexuality. If an unborn child has that gene, he or she will be gay. There’s
no praying it away. There’s no psychotherapy. And there is no gene therapy, either.
Hey, if you’re a fundamentalist and believe that God wouldn’t purposefully engineer people that way, look
at it as a birth defect. Whatever. It’s there. The only choice
you have is abortion. If you are a fundamentalist, do you have the child, knowing that it’s doomed
for a life of sin, and more than likely an eternity of damnation? Or, do you abort it now and save its
What if somebody asked a hypothetical question at your next party and everybody there just
beat the living hell out of him?