Friday, March 6, 2009
What to do with a Brain
3:06 pm pst
So I was thinkin'... Why is it that if you do a drug in one state,
they send you to counseling to be cured, but if you do that same drug in another state, it's for a cure. Need a
cure... Here's your cure.
Certain illegal drugs, so I am told, have the same effect on depression as select
pharmaceuticals. However, those drugs are illegal, so your only choice are one of these select pharmaceuticals.
The pharmaceuticals do take care of the depression, but they cause other... um... problems. Luckily, they have a drug
for that, too.
And why is it that they make shaving cream for sensitive skin? I mean, shouldn't they
make everykind of shaving cream for sensitive skin? Shouldn't that be all they make? "Yeah,
I've got unsensitive skin. Go ahead. Light a match. See? Yeah, that sensitive shaving cream...
It just don't work."
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
4:01 pm pst
Why aren’t there policecats.
You know, cats trained to assist in the enforcement of law and order. I only bring it up because
I’m trying to find ways my cats can actually make me some money. Cats are expensive, after all, and
it’s time they pulled their weight. And believe you me, there are a couple of them that have some
weight to pull. So, yeah, I was thinking: Policecats.
down the gun, sir, or my cat may scratch you. She has been known to inflict quite painful scratches that
really are irritating. Please be advised that cat scratches may lead to nasty infections. Sir!
You have been warned!”
Yeah. They could do that. What
do you suppose it would pay?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
6:48 pm pst
I believe in never eating
sandwiches that you buy from concession stands that have been wrapped in cellophane – the sandwich, not the concession
stand. Seriously. You don’t know where that meat came from, or just how long it’s
been sitting there behind that glass. As far as that goes, stay away from microwaved Burritos.
They are nasty. And yet we eat them. It would be great if we could know exactly
what it is we’re eating every time we ate. In fact, that should be everyone’s mission in life:
To know exactly what it is they are eating every time they eat.
in turn, will cause us to think about where lots of things come from. For instance, where does the plastic
that’s on the dashboard of your car come from? I’m serious. Who made it?
Where do they live? How do they get home? Are they happy? Do
they get paid enough? Are they being exposed to nasty chemicals that they take home on their skin and infect
their newborn daughter with so that she dies before she even turns six weeks old, but nobody really knows why?
And do they make the dashboards cheaply? If so, is that why we bought the car... because it was
I mean, if you really knew it was a blood diamond, would you buy it? Even
if you could get a flawless stone for half the price of one that is of no where near the quality? Is that
the sort of thing you’d want to give to your fiancée? Is that the sort of thing you’d
want your fiancé to give to you? Would you wear it?
It all leads to the central idea:
Always know the consequences of your actions. At least, try to. You really need
to know what’s in that fertilizer that you’re spreading on your lawn. Sure, your grass is green,
but what about that creek at the bottom of the hill? Ever wonder why the pond it drains into is so disgusting?
Why it’s completely covered with algae and you haven’t seen any of the ducks that used be there in a long
Don’t make excuses. You really need to know. You
need to be educated. And, sorry, if you’re not, it’s no one else’s fault but your own.
Read. Look. Listen. Think.
depend on common sense. The whole idea of common sense is silly, anyway. I mean, who
wants to be common? And how smart are the common folk that you know?
trying to justify everything. It’s not okay to invade other countries because they have
stuff we want. It’s not okay to suppress other people because we know what’s best
for them, even if they don’t. It’s not okay to let our neighbors beat their kids because
how they raise their children is not my business. Of course it is. Isn’t that
the sort of thing you found so reprehensible when you were younger? What happened? And
it is not okay to feed your kids cheap, high calorie food (like those sandwiches wrapped in cellophane) because you
can’t afford expensive food. If you’d just learn something about food, you’d find that
you can create very nutritious meals cheaply... but not easily.
it. Mostly we’re dealing with laziness. We don’t want to know what’s
downstream. We don’t want to know what the government’s really doing. And
we don’t want to know what’s really in that sandwich. But I can guarantee you this: If
we all did know what was really in that sandwich, they’d stop making them.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Those Things I Wonder About...
8:32 am pst
Do they make a children’s Koran?
Is there a Vacation Koran
Are there people out there who now want to kill me simply for asking these questions?
Are there people out there who would want to kill me if I didn’t?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
3:55 pm pst
The Holy Grail Press is pleased
to announce that it has added Mr. Mandrake Chapman as its new Research Editor.
Mandrake, aside from being a talented
writer himself, is a Professional Grant Writer, specializing in Educational Studies. Mr. Chapman holds
the distinction of being the only person to take every course offered by Cambridge and never actually to have graduated.
He received his Associate’s degree from Fairfield Junior College in Crossgrove, Illinois, in 1994, and then went
on to join its faculty, where he is renown for his studies in Educational Philosophy and Toxicology. In
his most widely recognized experiment, he concluded that, whereas it is true that children learn better when a teacher has
fewer students, when the student to teacher ratio drops below one, learning becomes negligible.
he is collecting an oral history of why people hate their jobs in an attempt to prove his hypostasis that people hate their
jobs because actual work is loathsome. The Holy Grail Press is in the process of publishing Mr. Chapman’s
And, of course, who hasn’t benefitted from Mr. Chapman’s pre-graduate school
landmark research that cold beer inherently tastes better when you’re on a tropical beech? That,
in turn, became the foundation of undoubtedly one of his most controversial claims: that women truly do
become more sexually attractive with increased alcoholic consumption.
Mandrake, “It’s not so much writing the grants as implementing them. Some studies can take
up to ten years to implement. And, of course, there’s a stipend. It’s not
an easy job. It does require a lot of travel. For instance, in proving that students
actually learn more if their regular teacher actually submits lesson plans to a substitute while he or she is gone, it was
necessary to determine if there was a difference in the quality of lesson plans if they were written at various altitudes,
like the Swiss Alps, or at sea level, such as Tahiti. A good grant will allow for travel.”
As a pure scientist, though, Mandrake is less concerned with the actual utility of his findings than the process
of scientific inquiry. To him, it is a need to know.
The Holy Grail Press is delighted
to have Mandrake on our staff.
Forcast for the Apocolypse
3:36 pm pst
We’re expecting fire and
brimstone in our Northern listening area, with accumumlations up to six inches. In the sourthern portions
expect hazy skies with a chance of supher and intermittant fire. By tomorrow morning we should expect an
accumulation of up to four inches of ash throughout the entire listening area, though locally it could be more heavy, and
drifing may occur. Tune in tomorrow morning for possible school and business closings.