Friday, February 27, 2009
3:59 pm pst
The Holy Grail Press strives for accuracy. When
we make a mistake, we’re the first to admit it... that is, once somebody else catches it. Therefore,
we welcome those of you with nothing better to do to drop us email reminding us every time that we stoop to being human and
make one little, nit-picking mistake. Like the fact that nit-picking is misspelled. Thank
you. In an earlier posting at HGB, we speculated that one trillion one dollar bills would cover the entire
surface of the planet. Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, noted mathematician from the University of Milan, has pointed
out that one trillion one dollar bills would only cover 3,796 square miles, give or take. Whereas, that
would completely cover Rhode Island and Delaware... well, who cares? Nobody gets excited when you talk
about covering Rhode Island and Delaware. Hell, most people don’t even know where Rhode Island and
Delaware are. Dr. Tupidsay also pointed out that if you sang one verse of “A Trillion Bottles of
Beer on the Wall” every 10 seconds, it would take you a lot more than 250,000 years. Try 3.2 million
years, give or take. We always appreciate when mistakes such as these are brought to our attention.
We also look forward to better economic times when people like Dr. Tupidsay will have better things to do than to check
our accuracy with a calculator.
The Luck of the Poor
3:22 pm pst
These are tough economic
times. What we should do about it is debatable, but who we should blame is not. We all
blame the rich. Even the rich blame themselves. After all, it was their unmitigated
greed that brought the world to the brink of total economic collapse.
not their greed, however, that’s got everybody so upset. Oh, we may say it is. But
in a capitalistic world economy, everybody is greedy. It’s just that the rich have taken
it too far. It’s like a professional wrestler bringing a handgun into the ring. That’s
too far. Beating your opponent over the head with a folding chair... well, that’s acceptable.
But the gun? Geese! What’s wrong with you?
what it truly comes down to... the real reason why all of us who aren’t rich really can’t stand all of those who
are, is luck. They got it. We don’t. In the Pick 5
of life, they got them all. And in order. Whether it was luck of birth or luck of geography,
they got it. They’re the talentless hacks that got the 20 million dollar record deal because they
just happened to walk into the studio at a quarter ‘till nine. The baseball player who can’t
hit an inside fast ball to save his life. Why is he even at the plate at all? Luck.
They drew the inside straight. They found the 50 caret diamond at the tourist trap in Arkansas.
Their first ride in a car was inside a Rolls-Royce. And we hate them for it. Damn
them! Damn they all! Because they’re not us.
3:21 pm pst
Using one of those hands-free
phones you stick in your ear when you drive is pointless if you’re going to be talking with your hands... both hands.
The copy machine yesterday at work was telling me, “Please Wait, Adjustments in Progress.”
Either that, or it was a message from God.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
How Never to Be an Alcoholic
11:39 am pst
Many of us who like to
drink... a lot... often worry if we might be turning into raging alcoholics. Being a functional alcoholic,
that’s one thing. So, just out of curiosity... I checked to see what the warning
signs of becoming an alcoholic might be. Isn’t the Internet great? And as I was
checking, it came to me: How Never to be an Alcoholic, but Still Drink as Much as You Want To.
1. Do you lose time from work because of drinking? That’s
easy. Go to work drunk. Or even better: Retire so you can drink full-time.
2. Is your home life unhappy because of drinking? Be a happy drunk.
Or better yet, stay drunk so you can’t tell. If you’re drunk enough, your spouse can
leave and you’ll never know it. And if she or he were so unhappy that they left, then your home life
will become happier. You can’t lose.
you shy around others when you drink? Isn’t that why most of us drink? So we won’t
be? I mean, would you have asked that woman to go home with you if you weren’t drunk?
Especially since your wife is waiting for you at home? (see Number 2)
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation. If you have the reputation of being
a drunk, then the only way that drinking can affect your reputation is if you quit.
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking? See Numbers 2 & 3 above. Other
than that, not really.
6. Do you have financial difficulties because
of drinking? How can you possibly tell. I mean, who doesn’t have financial difficulties
7. When you drink, do you turn to lower companions and inferior environments?
In other words, How low can you go? The trick here is to go as low as possible to begin with, and
then the only direction is up. Besides, if you turn to people with more money than you, maybe they’ll
buy. (see Number 7)
8. Are you careless of you family’s
welfare when you drink? Are you careless of your family’s welfare when you don’t drink?
Hell, get rid of you family, then you have nothing to worry about. (see Numbers 2, 3, & 7)
9. Does you ambition decrease when you drink? Hell, my ambition
has been decreasing since high school. But then again, I’ve been drinking since high school.
Hmmm... Of course, the easy solution is to set your only goal in life to being a drunk.
Then your ambition actually increases when you drink.
you drink at a definite time? I used to wait until 5:00, or at least 4:20, but that was an obvious mistake.
Now I drink whenever. It’s never too early to slam a shot of tequila.
11. Do you want to drink in the morning? I mean, really, when does it technically
become morning? After all, aren’t time zones artificial markers anyway? And then
add in daylight savings time. And on top of that, we set our time on the relative position of a star moving
through a field of moving stars. Really, how anybody can look at a clock and tell you they know what time
it is, is truly beyond me.
12. Do you have
difficulty sleeping when you drink? I have difficulty sleeping when I don’t. I
have difficulty sleeping period. I think it’s called old age. So don’t even
13. Does your efficiency decrease when you drink? Be
an efficient drunk. Don’t spill your beer. My solution? A frosted
14. Does you drinking jeopardize your job or business?
Make it your business to drink. Problem solved.
you drink to escape your worries or troubles? Well, yes. Don’t we all?
But what if my biggest worry is becoming an alcoholic? Then shouldn’t I face my problems head
16. Do you drink alone? This is easy.
Always drink with other people, whether or not they’re drinking, and whether or not they even know you.
A bar is a good place, but there are plenty of other places you can go to drink: church, PTA meetings,
Cub Scouts meetings, AA meetings, work... it doesn’t matter, so long as you’re not alone.
17. When you drink, do you ever have complete loss of memory? I have complete
loss of memory when I don’t drink. But the solution is simple. Video.
18. Have you ever been treated by a physician for drinking? Don’t
go to the doctor. Ever.
19. Do you drink to build self-confidence?
See number 7 above. Actually, I need self-confidence to drink. There’s
a subtle difference there, but it works.
20. Have you ever been institutionalized
or hospitalized because of drinking? Good Lord, no. Of course, you could have yourself
institutionalized and then drink once you get there, but that seems a bit over the top.
Why I Hate My Job: Interview #225
11:19 am pst
Thirty-three years I’ve
had this route. It’s not so bad having to deliver mail in the mall. When it’s
nasty out it’s a nice break. And you really don’t pay attention anymore to how silly you look
in the post office shorts. Besides, if you go through the mall early in the afternoon, most people you
see are working, too. They understand. At least I never had to wear a pirate hat.
And besides, my routes a lot bigger than this mall. And over all, there’s really not a whole
lot to complain about, even after thirty-three years. Except... No. What
is really the worst... if worst is the right word. What I’ve liked the least... disliked the most?
Well, it’s that my own house is on my mail route. I deliver my own mail. There’s
no wondering what’s in the mailbox. There’s no being surprised by a letter from your sister.
There’s not even the annoying discovery of sale flyers and other mass mailings. You already
know. And, you know, when you go down those streets, especially those streets where... well, you know,
where it’s mostly older folks. When you put their mail in the box, the old folks all are coming out
before you’re even at the next house. That’s what they do. That’s
what they look forward to. The mailman. And, yeah, that’s a bit pathetic.
But you see, the thing is, I retire next month... and I don’t even have that to look forward to.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
6:01 am pst
Now here's an idea: On-line
confessionals. You could be issued a password by your local parish. Fill in the required
fields: Menial. Mortal. Seven Deadlies. Duration.
Frequency. Add Addition Field. Enter. Act of Contrition recited?
Yes. No. Enter. Please wait while Virtual Priest calculates
your penance... Thank you, and sin no more.
6:00 am pst
As you may be aware of, the United
States is issuing Presidential Dollars, much like they did with the State Quarters. By the way, the US
is also issuing territorial quarters. You know, Puerto Rico, Guam, the American Virgin Island, the American
Not-So Virgin Islands... you get the idea. But I digress. At any rate, back to the dollars.
My thought is, should some of the dollars be worth less? I mean, yeah, Jefferson is worth a dollar,
maybe even a buck twenty five. And Lincoln... yeah. But Andrew Johnson?
I’m thinking 78 cents, tops. And Nixon? Maybe 85 cents. George
W. Bush? You’d have to pay me to carry that. And what about Kennedy.
Don’t get me wrong. Kennedy’s worth a buck, yeah, but doesn’t he already have
a fifty cent piece? I guess Washington breaks even. As far as that goes, Lincoln’s
already on the penny. I always thought he was worth more than a penny, myself. So I
guess that’ll work out alright.
And never mind the federal law about no living president appearing
on currency. Of course... it would be a way to cut down on Secret Service costs...
suppose they change the reverse for every president. What would the reverse be for Washington?
A cherry tree, perhaps? What about Jefferson? I’m thinking his extended
family. Lincoln has to be a log cabin. But Clinton? My imagination
How about the mottos? Kennedy would have to be, “Ask not what your
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” FDR: “We
have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Nixon would have to be, “I’m not a crook.”
Clinton, “Define ‘Is’.” Dubya, “Mission Accomplished.”
Boy, we could really have some fun with this.