Saturday, February 7, 2009
Practically a Genius
6:58 am pst
I overheard some of my co-workers talking yesterday, and one of them referred
to someone else as "practically a genius." How can you practically be a genius? "Sorry, dude.
You have to have an IQ of 140 to be a genius. You have a 139.4, and you know we round down."
Friday, February 6, 2009
My Daily Epiphany
4:28 pm pst
My cat eats well because the mice are so dumb.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
4:01 pm pst
Why is it that we treat math like a sport, where it’s perfectly acceptable not to be good at it?
It’s like you’ve been invited to play in a pickup game of calculus. “No, thanks,
guys. I’ve got a bum brain. Besides, I was never any good at it.”
Or is it some perverse urge in us to publically announce our disabilities?
And here’s a thought:
What excuse do rocket scientists have?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Clowns are Coming!
The Annual Show Me Clowns for Jesus National Conference
will be in Springfield on Feb 12th through the 15th. Boy. That
pretty well sums it up.
7:01 pm pst
Monday, February 2, 2009
4:17 pm pst
Wouldn't it be fun to publish a map where most of the towns are wrong?
Enough are right so it's not obvious, but if you're trying to find Hurley, good luck.
You know, it
just sounds wrong to say you went to a porn shop to buy a gag gift.
The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter
4:10 pm pst
My Fellow Americans,
I come to you today to take a stance on a subject that has long been dear to me. And that is my
Second Amendment right to arm myself, to the teeth if necessary. We have the God given right in America
to shoot each other, and that happens to be a right I won’t give up without a fight. And you had
better believe I’ll be packing. Of course, I’ll be packing a perfectly legal handgun, along
with the permits necessary to own that gun. And I have a trigger guard, too. Just in
case the grandkids accidently open the combination on my gun safe.
Today, though, I come to you for your
support. And the support I seek from you, my fellow Americans, is help in repealing the ban on possessing
ballistic missiles. There are many collectors and serious hunters, like myself, who are being unlawfully
denied their Second Amendment Right to procure ballistic missiles.
First of all, a man has the right to
protect his home. Does it really matter from what? Second, it opens up an entire new
dimension to hunting. Kill it and cook it, all at once. Third, think of the collector!
Imagine a trophy room displaying every weapon ever made... except that blank spot along the wall. Are
we that cold-hearted that we wouldn’t give just one man that little pleasure in life? But finally,
the Second Amendment says I can, and that’s all the reason I need. And I’ve got the NRA behind
me to boot.
It’s time for this blatant, and unconstitutional discrimination to end!
Not another day should pass without the possession of ballistic missile’s being legal. After
all, outlawing the possession of ballistic missiles will not keep lunatics from killing thousands of people. If
you outlaw ballistic missiles, they’ll just use a board with a nail in it.
Therefore, I want all of you who know what is right to email every elected official that you know, repeatedly, and
tell them that you demand access to ballistic missiles. In fact, you tell them that you are determined
to possess ballistic missiles. In double fact, you tell them that you are even willing to die, if that
what it takes. And who wouldn’t be willing to die in protecting his Constitution rights?
I guarantee you, you will see action.
And remember, ballistic missiles don’t kill people.
Lunatics who are allowed to have ballistic missiles kill people.
Thank you for your support.
The Honorable Leonard K. Bullfinch, Senator-at-Large
Happy Groundhog's Day!
10:02 am pst
First the bad news.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, so there will be six more weeks of winter. Now
the good news. In six weeks it will be the 16th of March, and that’s four days before
Spring actually begins. So either way, we win! Now I know there are people out there
who don’t believe in the prognosticating abilities of a mere rodent. However, the way I figure it,
why not? I mean, if people believe that Nostradamus is reliable, why not Punxsutawney Phil?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Putting Things in Perspective
9:32 am pst
The government has been talking
a lot lately about spending a trillion dollars for the economic bailout, and we all just politely nod, as if we really comprehend
what a trillion truly is. A trillion is a thousand billions. And, of course, a billion
is a thousand millions. And we all know what a million is. In other words, if a million
millionaires all got together and gave their money to... say, me... then I would have a trillion dollars.
According the to Bureau of Engraving and Printing, a one dollar bill weighs right at one gram (which, incidentally,
is how much a 100 dollar bill weighs). Therefore, it would take 454 one dollar bills to equal a pound.
One trillion one dollar bills, then, would weigh somewhere around 2,202,643,172 pounds. That’s
more than 2.2 billion pounds, which is around 1,101,322 tons.
If you spent a dollar every second
of the day, it would take you 317,000 years to spend a trillion, and that’s not counting any interest you might make.
If stacked, one trillion dollars would reach 68,966 miles. That’s a third of the way to
You could not physically put a trillion one dollar bills in your house, no matter where you
live. You probably couldn’t physically put them in most cities, or many states, for that matter.
You could probably paper the entire surface of the world with a trillion one dollar bills.
dollar bill is six inches long. End on end, a trillion dollars would go all the way to the sun (100 million
miles, more or less), and you’d still have money to burn.
If you were to sing “A Trillion
Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” and you could average one verse every ten seconds, and you never lost count and had to
start over, it would take you around 250,000 years to finish. Which is good to know if you’re ever
in Purgatory with a lot of time to kill.
And by the time you finally finished singing that song,
the United States Government just might have paid back that ridiculous debt, but only if they weren’t spending it at
the piddly rate of one dollar a second.
Really Putting Things in Perspective
9:31 am pst
In five billion years (which
is one/two hundredth of a trillion), more or less, the sun will run out of fuel. At that time, it will
grow increasingly dimmer, like a campfire left to burn itself out. Then, like that campfire, where the
remaining logs fall in, the sun, too, will collapse in on itself and flare back out – all the way to... say... Jupiter.
In the process, everything in between, including the US Treasury Department, will be vapourized. Kinda
puts global warming into perspective, doesn’t it?