Saturday, January 31, 2009
The Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter
2:51 pm pst
My Fellow Americans,
It has come to my attention that our country may be in a slight economic downturn. Why, it’s
getting to be that the average citizen can’t even afford the services of independent entertainment specialists.
And that can’t be a good sign. Of course, this truly should come as no surprise to any of
us who have followed the economy. The United States has long trusted Wall Street to manage our money.
Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but if they’re all so fired good about investing money, you’d
think them fellas on Wall Street would have more than just walls.
And now, our government is proposing
a trillion dollar recovery program. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of recovery, but a
trillion dollars is a lot. Why, McDonald’s hasn’t even sold that many hamburgers, and they’ve
been at it a lot longer.
Therefore, I’d like to come out on record as being opposed to the current recovery program.
First of all, I can’t imagine anything that they could be recovering that would cost remotely
that much. My wife, Mrs. Bullfinch, has been recovering furniture around the Bullfinch Manse for years.
It’s no more than a hobby, mind you. Nothing she’s ever made any profit
off of. That’s not to say that people don’t pay her for it, but it’s more to cover the
expenses, you know. And there’s no need to report that to the IRS. She re-did
the living room sofa, the chair that the cat tore up in the den, and she’s even done a recliner for her sister-in-law.
Mind you, that’s her brother’s wife and no actual relationship to me.
get me wrong; I know that recovering furniture is not cheap. First of all there’s your fabric.
You’re just wasting your time if you use something cheap. Then there’s your cushion.
Some of us with gravity issues would like as much padding as possible, and none of that stuff that goes flat no matter
what your volume might be. And then there’s fastening the material to the frame. At
this time I would like to make it clear that I am all in favor of tacks cut. They’re hard to use,
they tend to pop off, and a staple gun is much faster. Of course, like the fabric, a cheap staple gun is
just a waste of money.
But what it comes down to, is it’s just plain wasteful. Why, even
if they were recovering every sofa in the entire God-blessed country, including the one I have out in my garage, why I don’t
see any way possible that they could possibly spend a trillion dollars. But mostly, I am aggravated that
none of that wastefulness is especially set aside for me. After all, who’s going to miss a few hundred
Therefore, I implore all like-minded citizens to stand pat in our resolution, and when the
recovery program comes to your town, you just tell them that you like your sofa just the way it is.
you, and may God bless,
The Honorable Leonard K. Bullfinch, Senator-at-Large
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Freelance Beer Man
7:30 pm pst
Why aren’t there freelance beer
men... or women? You could make a killing. Just show up at a PTA meeting.
“Beer! Get yer ice cold beer, here!” The possibilities are endless.
Third grade soccer games. High school basketball games. Piano recitals.
Baptisms. Funerals. Mom and Dad’s 50th anniversary party.
Bar Mitzvahs. Courtrooms. Laundry mats. Bus stations.
Door to door. Because there’s nothing that can’t be better with a beer.
Who’s Your Driver?
7:30 pm pst
Global warming. Carbon
emissions. Dependence on foreign oil. Petro-economies that sponsor global terrorism.
Countries that selfishly use natural resources while other people live in despair. The need to find
cleaner, safer fuel. And we still love NASCAR.
More of Those Things I Wonder About
7:29 pm pst
Do Japanese people get a tattoo in
English that says, “Strength”? No. Because that would be silly.
Do people in Spain show up to work in the morning, shrug, and then say, “Ahh... un otra dia, un otra euro.”
“Si. Mismo merde. Diferencia dia.”
about people in Hell? What with the brimstone and sulfur, it would wreck heck on your sinuses.
So... what do people in hell say when someone else in hell sneezes?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What if the entire world suddenly stopped caring about religion? Never mind
Heaven or Hell. Never mind making God happy or sad or even angry. Because.. Well, it's not that we don't
believe in god. I mean, I do. But it's just that nobody cares. I mean, really, every religion is
basically silly. Even your own. And "basically" was a carefully chosen word. A lot of people have
spent a lot of time trying to perfect Epicycles, and it just doesn't work. And if you don't know what an Epicycle
is, it's time that you did. Look it up.
6:19 pm pst
But seriously, what if the entire world -- everybody -- suddenly
stopped caring about religion? Sure, there'd still be suffering and wars. People would still be living in
poverty and others would be making profit off of their suffering. But I'm betting not for long. For after
all, it is through religion that we define morality. And we need to stop.