Friday, January 23, 2009
Just a Quick Thought...
3:18 pm pst
If you had multiple personalities, could you enter yourself as a team in
a triathlon competition?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Because We Can Justify Anything...
8:10 pm pst
And remember boys and girls,
it’s not whether you did your best. It’s not whether you tried to do your best.
It’s did you want to try to do your best. Because, really, actually trying
is just a lot of work.
8:08 pm pst
It’s always an interesting
thought: Just how much about us – the true us – can other people tell simply by the way we
are. Skin colour and sex are obvious. If you’re wearing some sort of religious
hat... well, that’s pretty obvious, too. Ditto for blogging. But what about the
smaller stuff. The rims on your car. Gucci deodorant. The Coca-Cola
tattoo on your ass. Do you trim your fingernails? Is your shirt pressed?
Do your socks match? What about the ring tone on your cell phone? You may think
it’s really cool and announces to the world that your are totally cool as well, but, truly, when I hear Queen’s
“Fat Bottom Girls”... well... cool is the last thing that comes to my mind. And how about the
music you can have playing on your cell phone the minute your phone connects with someone else? I have
yet to hear one that didn’t make me think that I had just gotten connected with someone I really didn’t want to
meet. There’s a triple negative in that last sentence, so it all works out in my favor.
And what does it reveal about someone when they know grammar? I mean, they know it well.
At times I believe I might know how a minister feels: Be careful how ye speak lest ye be judged.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
3:14 pm pst
If you are looking for a job right now because you're retired or
you're bored or you just want something to do. Stop. Get a hobby. Volunteer. Clean you house.
Take up porn. I don't care. Just stop looking for a job. You really don't need one. And trust
me, there are plenty of folks out there who do. Folks who are willing to take anything. Folks who are willing
to work anywhere. It's not a question of something to do. It's a question of feeding their families.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Famous School Interviews #91
6:10 pm pst
Honolulu, Hawaii, 1973
Your grandson’s got a lot of heart, ma’am. He comes ready to play, and he always gives
110%. And he gets along great with the other boys. He’s a great kid.
A great kid. Did I say that? Well, he is. The thing is...
I’m going to be honest here. The thing is, he can’t play ball worth a hoot.
He tries. Don’t get me wrong. Lord knows, he tries. But
there’s this thing called talent. And he ain’t got it. I mean, sure, he
can stay on the team, but we’re just leadin’ him on. Don’ cha think? Once
he gets to high school, they won’t even look at him. Maybe it’s better that we let him down
now. You know, maybe there’s something else he could do. Something that doesn’t
involve basketball. A boy as bright as Obama... has he ever thought about getting involved in student government?
This is a letter to President Bush. Iíd send it to him personally, but I seem to have lost his address. If anybody out there
knows it, would you mind forwarding it? The letter. I donít really need his address.
1:45 pm pst
Hey, Bush! Nobody’s buying your pathetic attempt
at making us think you’re nothing more than an idiot with a lot of money and a lot of friends. Even
you admit that there were no weapons of mass destruction, and that it was a mistake. The depth of that
“mistake” is just unbelievable. It encompasses just about everything that could possibly make
you a decent man, regardless who is defining decent or man. It is the death knell of any hope of intelligence,
morality, kindness, or compassion ever being found in your shriveled soul--that sticky residue of creosote drippings that
it is. You have crossed over to the Dark Side. Evil is your friend. Satan
is on your Christmas list. You will never be able to convince anyone of anything unless they happen to
be dumber than you are. And you’re really dumb. And, worst of all, you will be
remembered forever as being an idiot. One by one, people will move away from you, because they know it,
too. The worst president ever. EVER. Dude, you are so toast.
not too late! First, ask yourself – honestly! -- What do I have to lose?
No, really, what can you possibly do that will make you look dumber than you already are? OK.
Here’s what you’re going to do:
1. Wake somebody up.
Find somebody who knows how to do the next four things before noon tomorrow. That’s noon your
time. The clock is ticking!
2. Legalize marijuana. No limits on possession.
Don’t forget the paraphernalia. There’ll be a tax, of course...
Free every prisoner who is in prison solely on drug possession immediately. Expunge their record
of any charges. Give them back pay at federal wages for time served. Tell them how very
sorry we are.
4. Review all drug related crimes. If you are doing a federal
rap for mailing a joint to your uncle in prison, comon! Let that brother out. Give him
all that stuff those guys got in #3 as well. Hell, we ought to have ‘em a barbecue or something.
I’m thinkin’ that would be real nice. But we’re not lettin’ no one out that
killed somebody for stealing his weed. That’s just messed up.
yeah, let’s make April 20th a National Holiday. It’d be a good time to have that
Thank you for letting me be your President. I’m going to go get high
And you know what? Let me tell you what. You’d still
be an ignorant, soulless, blotted out form of putrid existence that should have to ask permission just to be called life,
but when people talk about you ... a lot of people ... generations of people ...people just like you...
they will all say, “You know, that Bush, he wasn’t such a bad guy after all.”
a long shot, but, like I said, compared to “Mission Accomplished,” how can you possibly look bad?
How to Get On the News...
6:00 am pst
Have you ever noticed that people who are on the news
are basically insane? Case in point: There was a French legislature who was going back to work pretty much immediately
after giving birth. Insane. The Palestinians. Insane. The Isralis. Insane. Anybody who'd
want to be president... of anywhere. Insane. Anybody who keeps railing on about the person who happens to be president
(presumably because they know someone whom they would rather have as the president). Insane. That person they
would rather have as the president (assuming she or he would actually take the job). Insane.
Of course, very
lucky people (like those on the plane that landed in the Hudson last week) or very unlucky people (name a natural disaster)
tend to make the news. But then, it can be argued that they are insane, too. Anything made out of steel and
weighing over a ton was not meant to fly. You got in it. You're insane. There's a storm moving
toward your house that's the size of Texas.. and you decide to stay. You're insane.
it can be difficult to tell who is insane and who is not. My solution? Find somebody that you're convinced
is totally whacked out (a technical term) and act nothing like them. It works for me. I mean, after all, I would
know if I were crazy to begin with, right?