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"Doing Absolutely Nothing for Over 35 Years."

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The Holy Grail Press is dedicated to promoting work that standard publishers... you know, those with standards, might be reluctant to publish, which pretty much leaves poetry.  And let's face it:  No one publishes poetry.  So in the end, we’re left with a lot of free time.

 

 

 

What's New at the Press 

 

...What's Old at the Press 

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Just a Quick Thought...

If you had multiple personalities, could you enter yourself as a team in a triathlon competition?
3:18 pm pst 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Because We Can Justify Anything...

And remember boys and girls, it’s not whether you did your best.  It’s not whether you tried to do your best.  It’s did you want to try to do your best.  Because, really, actually trying is just a lot of work. 

 
8:10 pm pst 

Non-Verbal

It’s always an interesting thought:  Just how much about us – the true us – can other people tell simply by the way we are.  Skin colour and sex are obvious.  If you’re wearing some sort of religious hat... well, that’s pretty obvious, too.  Ditto for blogging.  But what about the smaller stuff.  The rims on your car.  Gucci deodorant.  The Coca-Cola tattoo on your ass.  Do you trim your fingernails?  Is your shirt pressed?  Do your socks match?  What about the ring tone on your cell phone?  You may think it’s really cool and announces to the world that your are totally cool as well, but, truly, when I hear Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls”... well... cool is the last thing that comes to my mind.  And how about the music you can have playing on your cell phone the minute your phone connects with someone else?  I have yet to hear one that didn’t make me think that I had just gotten connected with someone I really didn’t want to meet.  There’s a triple negative in that last sentence, so it all works out in my favor.  And what does it reveal about someone when they know grammar?  I mean, they know it well.  At times I believe I might know how a minister feels:  Be careful how ye speak lest ye be judged.

 
8:08 pm pst 

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wake UP!

If you are looking for a job right now because you're retired or you're bored or you just want something to do.  Stop.  Get a hobby.  Volunteer.  Clean you house.  Take up porn.  I don't care.  Just stop looking for a job.  You really don't need one.  And trust me, there are plenty of folks out there who do.  Folks who are willing to take anything.  Folks who are willing to work anywhere.  It's not a question of something to do.  It's a question of feeding their families.  Wake up!
3:14 pm pst 

Monday, January 19, 2009

Famous School Interviews #91

Honolulu, Hawaii, 1973

 

Your grandson’s got a lot of heart, ma’am.  He comes ready to play, and he always gives 110%.  And he gets along great with the other boys.  He’s a great kid.  A great kid.  Did I say that?  Well, he is.  The thing is...  I’m going to be honest here.  The thing is, he can’t play ball worth a hoot.  He tries.  Don’t get me wrong.  Lord knows, he tries.  But there’s this thing called talent.  And he ain’t got it.  I mean, sure, he can stay on the team, but we’re just leadin’ him on.  Don’ cha think?  Once he gets to high school, they won’t even look at him.  Maybe it’s better that we let him down now.  You know, maybe there’s something else he could do.  Something that doesn’t involve basketball.  A boy as bright as Obama... has he ever thought about getting involved in student government?

6:10 pm pst 

This is a letter to President Bush. Iíd send it to him personally, but I seem to have lost his address. If anybody out there knows it, would you mind forwarding it? The letter. I donít really need his address.

Hey, Bush! Nobody’s buying your pathetic attempt at making us think you’re nothing more than an idiot with a lot of money and a lot of friends.  Even you admit that there were no weapons of mass destruction, and that it was a mistake.  The depth of that “mistake” is just unbelievable.  It encompasses just about everything that could possibly make you a decent man, regardless who is defining decent or man.  It is the death knell of any hope of intelligence, morality, kindness, or compassion ever being found in your shriveled soul--that sticky residue of creosote drippings that it is.  You have crossed over to the Dark Side.  Evil is your friend.  Satan is on your Christmas list.  You will never be able to convince anyone of anything unless they happen to be dumber than you are.  And you’re really dumb.  And, worst of all, you will be remembered forever as being an idiot.  One by one, people will move away from you, because they know it, too.  The worst president ever.  EVER.  Dude, you are so toast. 

But it’s not too late!  First, ask yourself – honestly!  -- What do I have to lose?  No, really, what can you possibly do that will make you look dumber than you already are?  OK.  Here’s what you’re going to do: 

1.  Wake somebody up.  Find somebody who knows how to do the next four things before noon tomorrow.  That’s noon your time.  The clock is ticking!
 

2.  Legalize marijuana.  No limits on possession.  Don’t forget the paraphernalia.  There’ll be a tax, of course...
 

3.  Free every prisoner who is in prison solely on drug possession immediately.  Expunge their record of any charges.  Give them back pay at federal wages for time served.  Tell them how very sorry we are.
 

4.  Review all drug related crimes.  If you are doing a federal rap for mailing a joint to your uncle in prison, comon!  Let that brother out.  Give him all that stuff those guys got in #3 as well.  Hell, we ought to have ‘em a barbecue or something.  I’m thinkin’ that would be real nice.  But we’re not lettin’ no one out that killed somebody for stealing his weed.  That’s just messed up.
 

5.  And, yeah, let’s make April 20th a National Holiday.  It’d be a good time to have that barbecue.
 

Thank you for letting me be your President.  I’m going to go get high now.
 

And you know what?  Let me tell you what.  You’d still be an ignorant, soulless, blotted out form of putrid existence that should have to ask permission just to be called life, but when people talk about you ... a lot of people ... generations of people  ...people just like you... they will all say, “You know, that Bush, he wasn’t such a bad guy after all.”
 

It’s a long shot, but, like I said, compared to “Mission Accomplished,” how can you possibly look bad?
  
1:45 pm pst 

How to Get On the News...
...be insane.

Have you ever noticed that people who are on the news are basically insane?  Case in point:  There was a French legislature who was going back to work pretty much immediately after giving birth.  Insane.  The Palestinians.  Insane.  The Isralis.  Insane.  Anybody who'd want to be president... of anywhere.  Insane.  Anybody who keeps railing on about the person who happens to be president (presumably because they know someone whom they would rather have as the president).  Insane.  That person they would rather have as the president (assuming she or he would actually take the job).  Insane.

Of course, very lucky people (like those on the plane that landed in the Hudson last week) or very unlucky people (name a natural disaster) tend to make the news.  But then, it can be argued that they are insane, too.  Anything made out of steel and weighing over a ton was not meant to fly.  You got in it.  You're insane.  There's a storm moving toward your house that's the size of Texas.. and you decide to stay.  You're insane. 

In fact, it can be difficult to tell who is insane and who is not.  My solution?  Find somebody that you're convinced is totally whacked out (a technical term) and act nothing like them.  It works for me.  I mean, after all, I would know if I were crazy to begin with, right?
6:00 am pst 


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