Friday, January 9, 2009
A Third after Four
4:04 pm pst
Why is it that we don’t
use thirds when telling somebody what time it is? You know, when it’s like, say, twenty after four,
why is we don’t say it’s a third after four? Or four and a third? And
in another third of an hour, it’ll be a third ‘till five? I mean, we do fourths and halves,
so why not thirds? Don’t you think it’s about time that we did?
I have begun The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration. We
figure once you learn the name, the rest is easy. The goal of The International Association for the Promulgation
of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration is get the use of thirds as a time unit into common public practice. We
know it won’t be easy, but we’re determined.
It’s not good enough just to spread
the word, though the word must be spread. More than standing on the street corners handing out fliers to
the passersby, you must do it. You must become the ideal. You must use thirds
so much that you don’t even think about it anymore. And then you will be one of us. You
will be one of those people – us people – who will one day be able to say, “Dude! That
was me!” when somebody wonders just why in the world people ever started using thirds to measure
Yes, you can be The Dude. You would be just like one of those
kids who used to meet behind the Louis Pasteur statue at San Rafael High School every day after school and get high at four
and a third. Except smoking is optional.
Never again refer to twenty after simply
as twenty after. You now have a higher calling. You’re trying to make the entire
public do something that’s absolutely stupid, just to see if they will. It’s the American way!
Not only are you now a member of The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration,
you are The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration. Go
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
4:51 pm pst
Are you a member of The International
Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
You Know You're Becoming a Cat Person When...
4:12 pm pst
For some of us, it's just a matter of time before every hallway in our house
is lined, floor to ceiling, with old magazines. And roaming down those strange corridors are so many cats that you've
lost track of just which ones are yours. So, to be able to prevent this from happening, HGP is publishing
the following list. If one or more of the following statements applies to you... seek help. Now.
1. You're reluctant to get rid of any magazines because you might want to read them again.
2. You always introduce people to your cats.
3. You're never quite sure which cats really
belong to you.
4. You say you're coming home for lunch, but it's really to see your cats.
5. You generally always know where your cats are at, even when they're out prowling. ("They should
be in the Buxley's yard about now...")
6. You'd rather stay in with your cats.
You know your cats can't speak English. I mean, really! So you try Spanish.
8. You know your
cats can't speak human at all, so you meow.
9. You spell things out because they may be listening...
10. You claim them all as dependents... and the IRS lets you.
11. You know all of
the above, but don't care.
Historical Educational Conferences
4:01 pm pst
past 16 years, Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, famed social theorist, has been collecting the transcripts of various conferences between
parents and school officials from throughout history, throughout the world. Some of these, in fact, are
quite rare. All of them are quite insightful. These transcripts will all appear in his
upcoming book, Get Out of Teaching. Now. which will be published by the Holy
Grail Press in the fall of 2009. However, Dr. Tupidsay has given HGP permission to publish several of these
interviews ahead of time. This begins the first of many historical educational conferences
October 7, 1903
you for coming in, Mrs. Hitler. I’m Mr. Goldstein, your son’s counselor here at Volkstadt Junior
High. Let me start out by saying that Adolf is a ... very unique child. As you are aware,
many of young Adolf’s teachers have been experiencing difficulty, especially his math and French instructors.
In fact, your son seems particularly to detest the French. Let’s see... he remarked last week
that... according to his French instructor... “wouldn’t it be just easier to invade France and make them all speak
German?” However, what is really troubling, and truly the reason why you have been asked to come
in, is that... well... Adolf seems to have... well, quite frankly, some odd ideas about world domination. It
was just yesterday that he remarked that ... “the only true way to win at kickball would be to kill the entire other
team.” Generally, remarks such as these are not tolerated at our school. However,
we believe this is just a phase he is going through... probably associated with his father’s recent death, but we thought
it wise to call it to your attention. On the positive side, your son is doing quite well in art and public
speaking, and he seems to be a natural born leader. Truly, Mrs. Hitler, I think your son will turn out
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Top Reasons Why I Own a Cat
1. My cat doesn't meow at the neighbors whenever
they're out in the yard.
7:34 pm pst
2. I've never been chased by a cat on my bicycle (the cat wasn't
on my bicycle, I was).
3. My cat has never licked me in the face.
4. My cat
doesn't need to be walked.5. My
cat doesn't sniff strangers' crotches.
6. My cat doesn't insist that we play.
Cats don't chew slippers.
8. Cats intuitive know how to use a litter box.
Cats use a litter box.
10. A cat has never tried to hump my leg.