Thursday, October 19, 2017
I Take Pictures of My Shoes
10:43 am pdt
I go places like city parks,
just about anywhere,
I take pictures of my shoes.
I usually sit,
but sometimes I stand,
because it's easier.
here you can tell I'm at the ballgame,
because of all the peanut shells.
I'm at the
See the sand?
I've framed a few of my favourites.
the bus to the top of Pike's Peak.
And here I am,
at the top,
standing next to those nice people from Japan.
Those are some of my favourites.
But it's all digital.
watch them on my flat screen,
all in a big loop,
one picture of my shoes,
followed by another picture of my
each following another,
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Birdseed and Sex
8:19 am pdt
about a sparrow named Stanley.
All sparrows are named Stanley.
It makes things easier.
Sparrows can't tell one sparrow
from another, either.
Therefore, whenever any sparrow sees another sparrow,
which is all the time
they always fly around together,
either of those sparrows ...or both,
or for simplicity's sake -
assumes whatever thoughts
that other bird may be having are his own,
however fleeting those thoughts might be,
and a sparrow's thoughts do fleet so.
Humans call this schizophrenia.
Sparrows call it normal.
So when a fully grown cat
flew over Stanley's
in what was otherwise a perfectly good day,
there were many thoughts that went fleeting fleetfully through
all the Stanleys' heads.
A flying cat
must be the most superior
And that would make it
the most superior being
God had just flown by Stanley,
and paid him no never mind.
And that was a good thing.
wasn't flying at all.
It was falling,
along with everything else -
even Stanley -
all plummeting to
the pavement below.
And there was nothing Stanley could do about it,
except to ignore it.
For if we all are
plunging to the pavement below,
then all that matters is how gracefully we fall.
The cat alone was falling
but falling with grace,
with the wind going tippity-tippity-tip through its tail.
as in not being able to successfully prove,
that all it takes is desire,
for a cat to fly.
through its grace,
that dying isn't nearly as bad,
as never having tried.
But it's all academic.
Every Stanley knows a cat can't fly.
A flying cat is impossible.
there is a flying cat.
Therefore, all things must be possible.
And if all things are possible,
it is just possible
that how Stanley is,
exactly right now,
is exactly good enough.
Friday, September 29, 2017
The difference between enlightenment and religion is marketing.
8:59 am pdt
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
8:32 am pdt
National Tell A Joke Day
Let's face it. August is
rather devoid of meaningful holidays. Not to put down such important holidays as National Watermelon Day on the 3rd,
Wiggle Your Toes Day on the 6th, or National Dog Day, which shares the 26th with National Women's Equality
Day. By "meaningful," we mean days that you actually get off work for, such as Labor Day, or a holiday that
at least gives us yet another reason to drink, like St. Patrick's Day, the Fourth or July, or... well, pretty much every holiday.
So here at HGP we've chose National Tell a Joke Day on August 16 as our candidate for the next Federal Holiday.
There is scant evidence anywhere that this is actually a holiday. Nobody seems
to know who created it or when it first was celebrated. It has no national proclamations, and no one gets the day off...
yet. And aside from a few opportunistic online greeting cards, nobody does anything for this holiday... except tell
jokes. But here at the Press, we happen to be big fans of jokes. So here’s our official joke for
National Tell A Joke Day:
A duck without a bill walks into a rhinoplasty clinic and asks the
receptionist, “Do you do same day surgery?” To which she answers, “No.” “That’s
OK,” says the duck. “You can bill me later.”
Monday, August 7, 2017
Two Bears Pizzeria
7:51 am pdt
Once upon a time
there were Two Bears
named Carlos and Boris
who decided to go into business
So they opened Two Bears Pizzeria.
They only made one kind of pizza -
salmon and anchovy
with bell peppers, honey, and olives...
It was awful,
but nobody cared.
They weren't going
for the pizza.
They were going to see Two Bears make pizza.
And the Two Bears did very well...
for about two
until a family of Badgers
opened a Thai place
down on 122nd and Division.
It was lousy Thai,
but nobody cared.
They weren't going for the Thai.