Wednesday, August 16, 2017
8:32 am pdt
National Tell A Joke Day
Let's face it. August is
rather devoid of meaningful holidays. Not to put down such important holidays as National Watermelon Day on the 3rd,
Wiggle Your Toes Day on the 6th, or National Dog Day, which shares the 26th with National Women's Equality
Day. By "meaningful," we mean days that you actually get off work for, such as Labor Day, or a holiday that
at least gives us yet another reason to drink, like St. Patrick's Day, the Fourth or July, or... well, pretty much every holiday.
So here at HGP we've chose National Tell a Joke Day on August 16 as our candidate for the next Federal Holiday.
There is scant evidence anywhere that this is actually a holiday. Nobody seems
to know who created it or when it first was celebrated. It has no national proclamations, and no one gets the day off...
yet. And aside from a few opportunistic online greeting cards, nobody does anything for this holiday... except tell
jokes. But here at the Press, we happen to be big fans of jokes. So here’s our official joke for
National Tell A Joke Day:
A duck without a bill walks into a rhinoplasty clinic and asks the
receptionist, “Do you do same day surgery?” To which she answers, “No.” “That’s
OK,” says the duck. “You can bill me later.”
Monday, August 7, 2017
Two Bears Pizzeria
7:51 am pdt
Once upon a time
there were Two Bears
named Carlos and Boris
who decided to go into business
So they opened Two Bears Pizzeria.
They only made one kind of pizza -
salmon and anchovy
with bell peppers, honey, and olives...
It was awful,
but nobody cared.
They weren't going
for the pizza.
They were going to see Two Bears make pizza.
And the Two Bears did very well...
for about two
until a family of Badgers
opened a Thai place
down on 122nd and Division.
It was lousy Thai,
but nobody cared.
They weren't going for the Thai.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Would It Be Worth It
1:00 pm pdt
to fly just once
free from the earth
with your arms held out to space
as you plummet to
the ground below
Monday, June 19, 2017
4:21 pm pdt
Had the other rider been passing to his right, then it would have been proper
to have offered him a greeting.
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
10:23 am pdt
New Scientific Breakthrough!
A team of crack scientists here
at HGP has determined that asbestos is a sexual stimulant, either taken internally or rubbed directly on the affected parts.
It works equally well and makes as much sense as a rhinoceros horn, or any other animal parts for that matter, but doesn't
cause the extinction of any wild animals. As well, it takes care of an existing biological problem, and possibly strengthens
the human gene pool. So the next time you're feeling down, asbestos may give you the lift you need! Get some today!